Chapter 13 - Sydney Part 1

I woke up in a nest of my sheets and comforter, in my dorm room. But within seconds I realized I wasn’t supposed to be here and the memory of last night came back. 

Oh my God, what did I do? Reliving last night’s events felt like an out-of-body experience. I wanted to flee.

Daniel was already awake and out of bed, doing something on his laptop.

“What time is it?” I asked groggily.

“It’s about 9,” he replied. “You were dead to the world.”

“I suppose I hadn’t slept in my own bed in weeks,” I chuckled, trying to make light of my situation.

“Do you want to stay?” he asked. “We can get breakfast at the dining hall together. I’m sure you miss your old dining hall’s food.” He laughed at his own joke. Nobody would miss that slop.

“I really need to go,” I admitted. I extracted myself from my nest and started awkwardly getting dressed. My panties were still damp from last night and gave me a dirty, icky feeling. I couldn't wait to get back… home… or rather to Jasmine’s apartment and take a shower.

“Jasmine, are you OK?”

“Yeah,” I lied. “I just need to get home.”

“Listen, D,” Daniel said, his tone becoming more serious.

I paid no attention as I straightened my dress, then my bird’s-nest hair, in the wall mirror.

“This doesn’t need to be a one night stand,” he suggested.

“I don't know,” I replied, turning red and looking away. “I can’t think about that right now.”

“I like you,” he said. “I do. We can make this a regular occurrence if you want. Regardless of which body we’re in.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I said. “What about Rule 5? How is that even going to work? I don’t even know who you are. Who are you? J? M? One of the guys?”

He didn’t reply and looked down at his feet. Great, I guess I’ll never know.

I picked up my heels and paused at the door. I turned around to Daniel. “Um.. I guess I’ll see you in class?”

He smiled. “See you in class, Jasmine.”

I opened the door slightly and checked the hall. It was quiet. I left the room and silently shut the door. I held my heels and walked barefoot through the hallway towards the side exit when Mike came out of his room.

He noticed me and suddenly had a shit-eating grin on his face. “Oh, good morning, Jasmine.” 

Fuck. I turned bright red. I never knew how demeaning the “walk of shame” was until this moment. I said nothing and kept going until I reached the side door and exited the dorm and stepped out into the morning daylight.

* * *

When I got home, I slowly crept through my apartment hoping Morgan was still asleep. 

No such luck. She was already awake, eating breakfast. “Well, well, well,” she said with a playful smile. “Look who spent the night at a boy’s place?”

“I did it so I could sleep in my own bed,” I chuckled. Humor was always my go-to defense mechanism.

“Sure, you did,” she laughed. “So, how was it?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, shaking my head.

Morgan sensed my avoidance and got concerned. “Jaz, you can talk to me.”

I kicked my heels off and fell onto one of the couches.

“D,” she said sternly. “Talk to me. This was your first sex with a guy. What's going on in your head right now?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “That I didn’t particularly enjoy it. At least not how I felt afterwards.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean physically it was good, don’t get me wrong. But - I don’t know. I felt no attraction. No connection. It was just sex.”

“And when you were with Morgan or Jasmine?”

“It was hot. There was an attraction.”

“So, you won’t be doing that again?”

“Nope. Not with my former body. Not with another guy.”

She chuckled, “You’re a bonafide lesbian, girl. M will be thrilled.”

I grinned. “Maybe.” 

“Hey, look on the bright side,” she smirked. “You now have a good comeback for the next time someone says, ‘Go fuck yourself.’”

I shook my head and forced out a small giggle.

“Too soon?”

“Yeah.” I considered what I said about the one-time thing. I think that’s what bothers me most. It was essentially a one-night stand, even if I see whoever that was again in a girl's body and we have sex again. I didn’t know how to bring that up to Morgan because I had this feeling that part of the allure of being in the Guild was the casual sex. I got up from the couch. “I need to take a shower.”

“Oh,” Morgan said. “I know this is all new. But we forgot to mention that when you’re Jasmine, if you’re going to have sex with a new partner you have to get the group’s approval - before, obviously. That’s a her-rule.”

I stood there and turned red. I forgot about the list of approved sexual partners. “Oh my God, I forgot. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s OK, D,” she said. “When you left here last night I wanted to make sure you were OK. I texted the group. They all OK’d it. You can now add Daniel to your approved partner list.”

I turned even redder. “You told everyone?” I pulled out my cellphone, turned it back on, and looked at the group chat. Sure enough,there were unread messages.

“Yeah - I got your back, girl.”

“Um, thanks?” I didn’t know how to feel about this invasion of privacy. “But that means you told Daniel, too? Before I got there?” I looked at the timestamp of the group messages. 1 a.m. That was while I was walking back to Daniel’s place.

“Yeah. He OK’d it also.”

Of course he did. It was his idea. I turned red with embarrassment. “Oh my God. He was expecting me. Now everyone knows Daniel and I had sex. Why didn’t he tell me?”

“Maybe he didn’t want to spoil your moment,” Morgan speculated. “Everyone was going to find out anyway next time they read either Daniel’s or Jasmine’s journal.”

“I just... I dunno. Takes something away from the whole experience. Anyway, I’m thoroughly humiliated. I’m going to take that shower now.”

“Oh no, D. Don’t feel humiliated. I’m sorry- The rules-”

I raised my hands. “I just can’t now.” I then immediately went to the shower.

As I soaped up I imagined the warm water washing away all traces of last night. But I knew it couldn’t erase the memories of what happened. I toweled off, put on my sleeping clothes, and climbed under the covers.

“Jaz, do you wanna get breakfast?” Morgan said from my doorway.

“No,” I replied. When I heard the apartment door close, I shut my eyes and quickly fell asleep.

* * *

I felt a body sit down on the bed next to me. 

I opened my eyes a smidge to see Morgan sitting there. 

She stroked my hair and noticed I was awake. “How are you doing?”

“Everything has been so overwhelming,” I admitted. “I thought I had it under control. This past week proved I don’t.”

“You’ve been amazing, D. You’ve handled everything like a pro.” Her petting my hair felt soothing.

“If you want to kick me out of the Guild-”

“Why would we do that?”

“Because I lost control last night. I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t Jasmine. I wasn’t D. I was a jealous control freak.” And she doesn’t even know about Aiden and Ella at the Halloween Party. “And then the experience with Daniel…”

“Maybe you just need a day break. You’ve been at this nonstop since joining the Guild. You’ve followed each crazy week up with a crazier week.”

“A break? You mean like staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself? Or going back to being Daniel? I’m not sure if I could look at myself in the mirror after last night. At least, not yet.”

“I have an idea,” she said, standing up from the bed. “Give me an hour.”

I closed my eyes and lost track of time again.

* * * 

When Morgan returned, Sydney was with her.

“Hey D,” Sydney said. “I heard you’re overwhelmed.”

I groaned and put the pillow over my head. I didn’t want to share my embarrassment with anyone else. “What is she doing here?” I said into the pillow.

“She’s going to help,” Morgan replied. “D, get up.”

I removed the pillow and sat up in bed. “What time is it?”

“It’s noon. Do you still have the stone?”

“In there,” I replied, pointing to one of my dresser drawers. “I put it in there after the Halloween party.”

Morgan retrieved the stone and handed it to Sydney. “I invited Sydney here because before we brought you into the Guild, she had the least stressful life. We would be her when we needed a break from the non-stop lives of Antonio and Gabriel. Or the relationship drama of Jasmine and Morgan.”

“I’ve got a car,” Sydney reminded me. “You can get off campus for a few hours. There’s this cute coffee place we always go to.”

I nodded. Something hot sounded good right now. And I could use some comfort food.

Sydney sat next to me and held out her hand with the stone in it. I held her hand and we swapped.

I brushed a blonde lock out of my face and looked at Jasmine. I still wanted to lay back down, but then I remembered I’m not Jasmine anymore. I’m wide-awake Sydney, ready to take on the world. This isn’t my bed, and this isn’t my apartment. I stood up and handed the stone to Morgan. Sydney was shorter than the others, so I was back to looking up at everyone. I also noticed my chest was heavier. I looked down and framed between my long blond locks was an impressive cleavage view.

“The address for the coffee shop is in your phone,” Jasmine said, handing me my new purse. “When we're Sydney, we go there to center ourselves.”

After having sex with myself last night, the shameful walk home this morning, and now swapping with a whole new person, I could barely think straight. “So I go there? What should I do? Just relax?” I asked. 

“Whatever you want,” Morgan replied. “The goal is to just be D. Don’t worry about being anyone else for the next few hours.”

I nodded and Jasmine stood up to give me a hug. Then Morgan gave me a hug.

I waved goodbye to the girls and walked out of the apartment. OK. Now where’s Sydney's car?

* * *

After texting Jasmine, I was informed that Sydney’s car was in an adjacent parking lot. The little white sedan chirped when I pressed the beep button on the fob.

I opened the car door and sat down. I hadn’t gotten a chance to really look at my new body, so I flipped down the visor mirror. Staring back at me was Sydney with her long blonde hair framing her face. 

I was wearing a white sweater and black yoga pants. It was a very comfy outfit.

I started the car, and set my destination to the recommended coffee shop. The coffee shop was located in a trendy part of the city. While I wasn’t looking forward to finding parking, the idea of getting off campus sounded nice.

I found parking in a garage near the coffee shop. It was only a two minute walk, but I could feel the air getting colder. It was November, after all. Unfortunately, the previous Sydney didn’t leave me with a coat.

I pushed through the door of the coffee shop and a jingle went off to let the employees know a new patron walked through.

The blue-haired barista behind the counter gave me a friendly knowing smile as if I was a regular.

Despite having driven all the way here, I wasn’t sure if I was in a coffee mood. Instead I looked around, and found what looked to be a very comfy chair with a table in the corner of the shop. 

I sat down and sank into the chair. If the chair was a person, and could give you a hug - this was the chair. I crossed my legs and looked out the window.

This table overlooked the street and was excellent for people watching.

I noticed someone was beside me. I looked at the figure and saw the barista standing there holding a coffee mug. “Hi, Sydney, here’s your usual.” She then placed the mug and saucer on the table.

As I reached into my purse, she waved me off. “I started you a tab. Is there anything else I can get you?”

I glanced at her nametag. Natalie. “No, Natalie, thank you,” I smiled.

As Natalie the barista walked away, I examined the mystery drink. Sydney’s usual? It was bright green and steam was coming off of it.

I picked it up and blew over the top of the mug before taking a little sip. It was tea. And it was actually rather delightful. I could feel my tensions already loosening up.

I placed the mug back on the saucer. I can see why this is Sydney’s usual. I wondered if the tea would taste as good as someone else. I hadn’t really gotten the chance to experience unique foods as different Guild members. Now that I pondered it more, what if James’s meal for me was actually Antonio’s favorite, leading to me thinking it was good.

“And I thought I was the only one who ordered that,” said a girl nearby.

I looked up at her, confused why anyone would be talking to me.

“Hot Matcha Latte with cream,” she said, pointing at my cup. “It’s my favorite.”

I smiled. “Oh, right. I’m not in a coffee mood today.”

“I don’t know how anyone is ever in a coffee mood,” she replied. She then returned her attention to an open laptop.

I took another sip of my tea and tried to clear my mind. I hadn’t really gotten a chance to reflect on the past five weeks. They were no doubt the most exciting five weeks of my life. But I worried about who I was becoming. I spent so much time as Jasmine I felt like I was becoming her. At the same time, I felt a distance from Daniel that I couldn’t put into words. I wasn’t Daniel anymore - and he wasn’t me. And if I’m not Daniel, who am I?

Everyone else in the Guild seems to have it together. Although looking back on it, nobody outside of Antonio seems eager to return to their original bodies. Not Jasmine. Not Gabe. Not Morgan. In fact Jasmine and Gabe gave off vibes that they’d rather not return to their original bodies.

My mind suddenly went back to Morgan’s interview question. She asked me if I was transgender. No, she asked me if I had dysphoria. Are those different things? What if one of us was transgender? What would that mean? What if Jasmine or Gabe didn’t want to go back? What if I didn’t want to go back? I sat on that question and let it sink in.

“Excuse me,” the girl said, interrupting my thoughts.

I looked up.

She was holding out a tissue.

It was then I realized I was crying. I took the tissue. “Thank you. I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed.”

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

“No. I’m fine. I’m just having a crisis of identity,” I explained vaguely.

“You too?” she giggled. “First the coffee, then our existential crises.”

I doubt her crisis of identity was anything like mine. “Why are you having a crisis?”

“I’m a twin,” she explained. “Either I’m never seen as an individual - or I’m playing second-fiddle to my sister who’s better at everything. How about you? Are you a twin too?”

“Me? No. I don’t have a twin.” At least I didn’t think Sydney had one.

“So, what’s eating you?”

How do I explain my situation without giving away the nature of the Guild? “Well, I met some new friends about a month ago. It's been amazing. They’ve been great. Fun and supportive.”

She flashed a confused smile. “Then what’s the problem? That sounds ideal.”

“Well the problem is they pulled me out of my comfort zone. I’ve done things I never would have done on my own - experienced things I never would’ve experienced. And I liked it. Most of it, anyway. And it’s making me question who I was originally.”

“We’re the sum of our experiences. The you of today, is naturally going to be different than the you of a month ago.”

“That’s fair. I suppose I’m different for having met these friends.”

“Life’s like that, I guess. It throws you experiences you weren’t expecting. And it changes you.”

“I certainly wasn’t expecting this,” I said, shaking my head. If you only knew.

“Such is life. Hi, I’m Kaylee,” she introduced herself, leaning towards me with her hand extended.

“Sydney”, I replied, softly shaking her hand.

“Do you come here often?” she asked.

“Only when I’m having an existential crisis,” I giggled, taking another sip of tea.

“How often is that?” She had such an infectious smile.

“I have no idea but-,” I laughed. “The barista knows my name and my drink.”

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” she chuckled. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”

“No, you’re not,” I smiled. “You’re helping me forget why I came.”

She giggled. “It’s my first time here. Normally I’m at the coffee shop at the bookstore, but a coworker suggested I try this place. I like it. It’s nice and cozy.”

“I like it too,” I replied, looking around. It’s nice for my first time.

“Do you go to work or school around here?” she asked.

“I go to college up the street.”

“Oh, cool. I couldn’t afford college. I’m an aspiring writer by day. But writing doesn’t pay the bills - yet. So I also waitress by night.”

“You’re a writer?” I asked. “I’ve always wanted to write.”

“Yeah, I am. I write high fantasy. Romantic high fantasy,” she clarified.

“No way,” I replied. “I was just in the middle of reading one last month. I didn’t get a chance to finish it though.”

“You like high fantasies?” she asked. “I post my stories online and most of my readers are guys.”

That statement hit me like a bucket of ice water. I suddenly remembered I was Sydney and I knew nothing about her likes or dislikes. I never got a chance to read her journal. Of course I wasn’t expecting to be in a social situation this afternoon. All I could do is just go with the flow. “Well I enjoy them. So that has to count for something.”

“What book were you reading?”

“The Heroine Prophecy.”

“OMG, I loved that book!” Kaylee squealed. She grabbed her own tea and sat next to me. “And you haven't finished it yet?”

“No, I haven’t,” I replied. “Remember when I said my life has been chaotic for a month? Well. I haven’t picked it up since then. I’m at the part where the fascist emperor plunges the realm into chaos.”

“It’s sooo good. You have to finish it.”

My mind drifted to how I would make that work. Retrieving my book would require me seeing Daniel - but I wasn't ready to see his face again so soon. 

“How about A Dragon's Menagerie?” she asked.

“Read it.”

“Secret of the Siren's Song?”

“Awesome!”

“The Fallen Cathedral?”

I chuckled. “Not yet.”

“I love that we have the same taste in literature.”

I watched Kaylee tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. She was so cute. While I had come here to center myself, I was feeling content talking with her.

After what seemed like an hour, I looked at the clock and realized it was 1:45 pm. The weekly Guild meeting is at 2 in the library. There’s no way I can get there in time.

“Is everything OK?” Kaylee asked.

“Yeah, I just realized I was supposed to be somewhere at 2. A um - study group.”

“Can you make it?”

“No,” I replied. I started typing a message to Morgan. “I’m not able to get back in time. Can I skip this one?”

Morgan responded quickly. “No worries, girl. Take your time!”

I exhaled. “I’m able to get out of it.” I leaned back into my chair and exhaled. I was excited to get more time with Kaylee. “Tell me about your twin.”

“Where to start? She’s older by twenty minutes. She’s smarter and prettier and more popular. Because of that, she’s outgoing and makes friends easier. My friends are her friends.” 

“You can always do your own thing.”

“It's so hard. I look in a mirror and I see her.”

I wanted to empathize with her so bad. I look in a mirror and I see someone else. A temporary body I have on loan. I'm afraid of what happens when I return to my own body and feel the same thing. “I feel the same thing sometimes too.”

We continued talking and talking. It became easy as if we were old friends. Before either of us knew it, it was 3 pm, and the November sun was getting low in the sky.

“I should head out now,” Kaylee said standing up. “It was so nice meeting you, Sydney.”

“Same, Kaylee,” I replied. “Thank you. I needed that chat.”

“Me too.”

She packed up her things into a bag and started for the door. Before she opened the door, she paused, then turned back to me. “Do you want to exchange numbers?”

I smiled. “Of course.” I didn’t know my own number yet, so I asked for hers. I dialed it and her phone rang.

“You now have one friend that your twin doesn’t,” I smiled.

“Hang in there, Sydney. You’re awesome. You’ve got this - whatever it was that brought you here.”

* * *

Of course, I had a slight problem going home. Where exactly do I live? I’ve never been to Sydney’s apartment. I know it was somewhere near Morgan and Jasmine. Thankfully a quick text to Morgan solved that.

“I’ll be right over,” she responded.

I texted back, “That’s not necessary, I found it.”

I parked the car, then entered my apartment and took in my surroundings.

Sydney’s apartment was kept neat. She had very little furniture or decorations. I made my way into the bedroom. It too, was clean and mostly bare of personalizations. 

Nothing in this apartment told me anything about Sydney. I had always considered her the more quiet of the Guild members. Her style and personality would fluctuate depending on who was inside her. Almost as if she had no base personality of her own. If you would ask me to describe Sydney, I would respond, “She’s the only one who's 21 and the member with the car.” And that’s essentially how she’s treated. 

I was eager to learn about the real Sydney.

I found her journals and started at the summary page. Sydney Ann Moore. 21. Music major. She’s a single child and has minimal contact with her parents. She’s currently not dating anyone. 

There was a knock at the door. What is it with people knocking on the door when I’m trying to read my journals?

I looked out the peephole and found Morgan standing there, fidgeting. What was she doing here? I told her I didn’t need her. I opened the door and smiled.

“Hey,” she said. “Can I come in?”

“Sure, Morgan,” I replied. “Thanks for everything. I’m sorry I missed the meeting.”

“Oh, it’s fine. Previous Morgan explained that you needed some time to yourself and we all understood.”

Oh. So this Morgan isn't the same one from this morning. “What did I miss?” I asked.

“Nothing much. Ella is not returning Gabe’s calls. Jasmine swapping with Antonio… I swapped with Morgan…” she hesitated and fidgeted. “I was Daniel.”

I groaned at that revelation. I considered pushing her back outside and shutting the door. I wasn’t ready to talk to whomever this was.

“D, wait. Before you kick me out. I didn’t come here to talk about this morning.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I kinda wanted to catch you before you started reading Syd’s journals.”

I paused. “Why?”

“There’s some things that you should know.”

“I’m listening.”

“Let’s go to her bedroom.”

I stopped her before she came in. “Seriously?”

“D, please. I didn’t mean it like that. Her journals are in the bedroom.”

I nodded and led Morgan to my bedroom. I sat at the desk, and she sat on the bed. “Go ahead, tell me what I need to hear. Then leave.”

“How far have you gotten?”

I held up the journal I was just reading. “Her name. Her major.”

“That’s my handwriting,” she explained. “You’re going to want to start…” She opened a bottom drawer, moved away a few articles of clothing and pulled out another journal. “...here.” She handed it to me.

I raised my eyebrow in curiosity and took it. I opened to the first page and was taken aback by the scribbles and the drawings. Pictures of skulls, poison, knives. I flipped to more pages. More of the same. Angry scribbles cursing the world. Large blocks of words that said, “I hate myself. I hate my breasts. I hate my hair.” I looked at Morgan, confused. “What is this?”

“Cries for help,” she whispered. “You see - S is transgender.”

I was stunned. I considered reaching down to my groin to verify this but decided not to do that in front of Morgan. “She was-”

“He is a trans man.”

A trans man? “How do you know this? Are you S?”

“No, D,” she said, shaking her head. She paused and looked at me. “I’m R.”