Chapter 14 - Sydney Part 2

“R?” I echoed in a state of confusion. “Who’s R?”

“Robert,” Morgan replied. “A Guild member who graduated in the Spring - the one you replaced.”

“If you’re R - then where is S?”

“He took my body. He graduated. He left.”

“He stole your body?”

Morgan sighed and closed her eyes. “He didn’t steal it. It was my idea. I let him have it.”

“But why?”

“S was one of the first guild members. Back then he was just as feminine as the other girls in the Guild. This was back before Antonio helped us create rules. To help us be selective in who we bring in. Before we recognized how destructive dysphoria could be. None of us had even met any transgender people. S didn’t even know he was trans - until he started swapping. The euphoria of being one of the guys. The dread of being one of the girls.” 

I gazed down at the journal with scribbles all over it. The person who wrote and drew in this was in a dark place. I began to wonder if I too could be pulled into this dark place if I kept swapping - if I didn’t return to being Daniel.

Morgan continued, “Years went by and S became more and more withdrawn from us. He’d only swap with the guys and avoid swapping with the girls - especially back into his original body. Two years ago, he got in a tiff with G. S had been Gabriel for over a month. G needed his body back for some reason. The problem was G was currently Sydney. S refused the reset, and would verbally tell us how much he hated his original body. We didn’t know what to do. We finally forced S to swap back into Sydney. The next day, Sydney cut his hair off. He started wearing binders and male clothing. He wanted us to call him Sid. And he stopped coming to Guild meetings.”

“Wasn’t there anything you could do?”

“We didn’t know what to do, D. We’re a family, and one of our family members was hurting. This was back before Antonio and Morgan joined. We didn't have any LGBTQ members in the Guild prior to Sydney. We didn’t know how to handle it. We pleaded for him to come back. He said only under one condition: he never had to swap with any of the girls - including his original body. We agreed and from then on, he’d bounce between my body - Robert -  Jackson, and Gabriel. Later, Antonio, when he replaced Jackson. He would avoid the reset and randomizer. The people who were role-playing Sydney reverted her body back to its feminine appearance. None of them wanted to role-play a trans man, plus they were annoyed that whenever S had role-played a female in the past, he wouldn’t maintain her hygiene. He wouldn’t shave or wear that body's makeup. We had our unspoken rules about role-playing and he wasn’t abiding by them out of spite.”

“What changed?”

“Eventually, we invited Antonio and Morgan into the Guild and said goodbye to two other original members. Because A and M were involved with several LGBTQ groups, they empathized with S’s plight. They encouraged S to attend Pride meetings with them. And to protect the other members, the Guild made the rule to ask about dysphoria before letting a new member in. Plus we made that arrangement that S never had to be forced to swap into any of the female bodies - including Sydney - except when she’d graduated of course.”

“I’m guessing that wasn’t enough.”

“No. He was still hurting. The thought of graduating and being forced to return to Sydney permanently was looming over him. I could see it. While other Guild members adapted to the role-play, you could always tell who S was. I knew he didn’t want to be here any more. I was about to graduate. I offered him my body. He gladly took me up on the offer and graduated, leaving the Guild and the university.”

“What happened then?”

“When the rest of the Guild found out, they were pissed at me. Said it should’ve been a group decision. So now without S or Robert, I’m essentially the new S.”

“So what happens during a reset?”

“I always wind up back as Sydney since I don't have my body here anymore and Sydney’s body doesn’t have her spirit.”

“But Sydney is a senior. She is going to graduate next semester.”

“You’re right. When Sydney graduates the Guild will give me the Sydney body permanently. I haven’t been Robert since before he graduated - five months ago. Slowly, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never be Robert again. I’m going to need to remind myself that I am Sydney now and forever. It’s not as easy as it looks. To become someone else permanently.”

“Why am I just learning about this now?”

“When you joined, I wanted to tell you the truth. So did A. The others were afraid it would scare you away. Just the idea of a member running off with another’s body.”

“You’re right - that was a fear I had initially. Where is Robert now?”

“He’s got a job as a personal trainer a couple hours away. We exchange texts every now and then.”

“Is he happy with his new life?”

“It seems like it, but it’s only been a few months.”

“What about your family and friends? You can never see them again.”

Morgan sighed. “I think that’s the hardest part of this agreement for me. I will miss my family. I’ll have to rely on S to give me updates.”

“What about friends and classmates?”

“I had a few friends growing up, but we all drifted apart after high school. I guess I could find ways to connect with some of them, but with my original body gone - who would I introduce myself as? I could reach out as Sydney, and try to explain I’m really their old friend Robert; but even if they believed me, it would be a very different dynamic,” Morgan said, gesturing at my curvy body for emphasis. 

I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat at that remark. Time to move on. “And you’re OK with her life?” I asked, turning the focus back to R’s destiny to be Sydney.

“It’s not too bad.  I’ve only met her - I mean my - family a few times.  They seem OK.  Definitely relieved that their daughter is no longer going through that ‘trans phase’.”

I nodded my head, taking all of this in.

“Actually, right now they’re your family.  You’ll get to meet them if you stay Sydney long enough.”

I couldn’t think of any more questions. We both sat there in silence for a minute.

It was Morgan who broke the silence. “D - about last night.”

I sighed, because for one brief moment, I forgot about that.

“I’m sorry. If I knew that’s how it was going to be I wouldn’t have pushed you into having sex with me.”

“You didn't know. Hell, I didn’t know.”

“What happened, if you don’t mind my asking? I hope it wasn’t anything I did.”

“I don’t know. I felt a weird disconnect from my original body. As if he wasn’t me anymore.”

“That sounds a lot like…”

“S.”

Morgan nodded.

“And I think I realized I’m only into girls. Part of the allure of last night - of what made me come back - was having sex with myself. My body. If it’s my body, it isn’t gay. Right? But the more I didn’t see myself in Daniel, the more that illusion was broken. When I woke up - I had memories of having sex with a guy and they didn’t sit right.”

“Well at least you know now. When I had sex with my original body, I realized I was bi.”

I nodded. “Can I talk to Robert?”

“If you want. His phone number’s in your phone.” Morgan stood up. “He might not want to see you. He and the Guild didn’t part in the most friendly of ways.”

“I understand.”

“I’m sorry, D,” she said. “For not letting you know sooner. And for last night. I hope you don’t regret it.”

I had a lot to process. This whole thing with S and R was crazy. Then of course I now had a name to go with the person I’ve had sex with - at least twice. Where each of us were different bodies. It turns out R is a guy - but does that even mean anything when we constantly body swap? What does it mean that R is destined to be Sydney forever?  So is R even a guy anymore? If I didn’t know about S, I would think that gender might be meaningless when you don’t have a constant body. But that’s not true, is it? Or else S wouldn’t have broken away from the Guild and taken the body of R with him. If being in the Guild was torture for S, what does that mean for the others? For me?

Of course, not lost in any of this was what Morgan had said the moment she walked in the door. Ella wasn’t returning any of Gabe’s calls. That certainly didn’t sit well with me. Should I fess up to Morgan right now while she’s here?

Morgan hugged me. “Goodnight, Sydney.”

I guess I wasn’t going to confess tonight. “Good night, Morgan,” I replied. “Thank you for telling me about Sydney.” She nodded and I watched her leave my apartment.

After I was sure Morgan was gone, I pored over Sydney’s journals a little longer. I felt a connection with the emotions scrawled in these drawings. I searched Sydney’s things and found a photo of Sid from three years ago. He had no makeup and a buzzcut. He was barely recognizable from the woman I see now in the mirror. I couldn’t imagine what he went through. Not just the swaps, but watching the other Guild members feminize his original body. All I knew is I wanted to talk to Robert. I had to.

I searched my phone and found his number. I typed the following text. “Hi, my name is-” I paused wondering what to call myself. I figured I’d stick with my original identity. “-Daniel. I’m a sophomore at your former college and I’m a new member of the Guild. I was wondering if we could talk.”

* * *

On Monday morning, I stared at my closet, determining how to dress my new body. Sydney had a wide range of clothes. Without a set ‘style’ Guild members were free to give Sidney any look they wanted.

I was tempted to pull out a dress, but it was looking cold outside. I instead opted for a knit sweater and leggings. I pulled my shoulder-length blonde hair into a messy bun. I looked in the mirror and saw a college co-ed who was about to head to class in November. Objective met!

Each time I swapped into a new person I was met with unique problems. Body size, height, weight and shape took me a while to get used to. Sydney is shorter, so shaving my legs went quicker, but I had to use a stool to reach things in upper cabinets or shelves. Sydney’s curly blonde locks required more product and more time under the hair dryer. Sydney had a classic hourglass figure. Her short stature meant that her boobs and ass were larger. Getting my bra right took more time. Pulling my pants up over my ass took more time and effort.

I had a choice of driving to class or taking the shuttle. As Daniel, I hated driving around campus since I wasn’t allowed to park during the day. Sydney was an off-campus resident who would be allowed to park - somewhere. The thought of driving and having to find parking gave me anxiety. So, I opted to just take the shuttle.

On the shuttle, I kept staring at my phone. I was anxious. Would Kaylee call me? Would Robert text me back? Would anyone bring up Aiden and Ella?

As I was for the other four identities I’ve assumed, I was nervous going to class as Sydney for the first time.  This first class was Music Composition 405. I remember learning about music scales in elementary school, but haven't attempted to read music since. I suppose I should be grateful this wasn’t a performance class.

Thankfully, class was no different than the other ones. I took great notes, even if the terminology went over my head. Maybe on Wednesday someone will explain them to me.

Of course, now that I know S isn’t a member of the Guild, who exactly is going to teach me Music?

That thought was interrupted by the professor, who made sure he had the class's attention. “It’s November.  This is a reminder that your end-of-semester compositions are due in four weeks.” 

The class groaned.

The professor continued. “Remember this class has a project in lieu of a final exam.  Therefore these account for 60% of your final grades.”

I sat there blinking.  End-of-semester composition? Did the rest of the Guild know that?  I pulled my planner from my backpack and flipped to December.  Sure enough, there was a note that the Music Comp project was due December 2nd.

As the class was dismissed, my cell phone lit up with a notification. I had received one of the replies I was waiting for.  It was from Robert.

“I’m at work now. I get off at 4,” he replied. He then sent the address. It was two hours away.

It was then that I decided I would take that road trip this afternoon.

When I got back from class, I ate some lunch and packed some snacks for the road.

While I killed time, I logged into Sydney's computer.  

On my computer was a folder titled “Music Comp.”  

I clicked on a file that launched some music composition software.  Scales full of musical notes filled the computer screen.  I hit play and heard a beautiful song start to play.  I noticed it wasn’t finished yet.  

I closed the music program and saw another file in that folder titled “journal.”  I opened it and saw notes written by the others, detailing the additions and changes to the song.

Just reading that made me want to listen to it again.  I reopened the song and listened to it.  It was beautiful.  I could feel the different personalities shining through.  Five different people wrote this.

The idea that I would have to add to this and finish it felt daunting. I didn’t know the first thing about writing a song.

Another file that caught my eye was a video.  I clicked it and a video of Sydney popped up. 

“Hey guys,” she said, looking into the camera.  “Here’s how you assemble Sydney’s clarinet.”

Clarinet?

Sure enough, sitting in my closet was a clarinet case.

I watched the video and assembled it.  At the end of the video, she started playing the first few bars of the same song I had just listened to. 

I pulled the song back up and looked blankly at the notes.  Apparently reading sheet music was not part of muscle memory.  I was curious though.  I pressed play and closed my eyes.

I started to play along with the song. I realized the fingering comes naturally thanks to muscle memory.  

I glanced at the clock. I needed to get going, so I packed up my clarinet, turned off my computer, and left my apartment to go see Robert.

.

* * *

On the drive to visit Robert, my mind drifted to Aiden and Ella. Not knowing what happened kept worrying me. If they swapped, why haven’t they said anything? If they didn’t swap, why not? I know I was exempted by the cool-down period. Were they? Or did the stone initiate a reset instead of a swap? I saw them both collapse and pass out. So what actually happened? Maybe the reset made them pass out.  Maybe they were just drunk.

I should just tell the Guild about it. They would have answers. But at the same time, I’m worried about how they’ll react to learning I broke the rules.

I arrived in Robert’s city, found a spot for my car and walked a few blocks to where he said he worked.

That place appeared to be a corporate fitness center, which is not what I expected him to be doing. After all, Sydney was a music major. I looked in the windows and saw state of the art exercise machines. The clientele walking out of the building looked wealthy, wearing branded athletic clothes and gym bags.

I checked my phone to verify the time when I heard a male voice from behind me.

“I can’t believe you came here in that body,” the voice said, his disdain clearly evident.

I turned to look at the speaker. He was not much older than me. Clean cut, and very in shape. He was wearing workout pants and a form fitting polo shirt that didn’t hide his chiseled physique. 

“Robert?” I timidly asked, sensing something was off.

“That’s me. Why are you here?” He avoided looking at me, and stared off elsewhere.

That’s when I realized what he meant. I’m currently in his former body. The one that caused him so much dysphoria. “Oh, God,” I panicked, the blood draining from my face. “I”m so sorry I showed up in this body. I was so eager to get answers I didn't think to swap to someone else.”

He glanced at me, shook his head, then glanced away again. “Daniel, right?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Why did you drive two hours to see me?” 

Since I got the impression he was annoyed by my presence, I decided I needed to make every question count. “I’ve been in the Guild for a month. Yesterday was the first time I learned of your history.”

“Why does it matter?” he retorted. “I’m no longer the owner of that body. I’m no longer in the Guild.”

“Because I saw your journals. I want to know why they kept you a secret.”

He nodded. He seemed to have an internal debate on whether he wanted to keep talking to me. He finally let out a loud exhale and nodded his head down the street. “There’s a cafe a block away.”

“Should I call you S or Robert?” I asked.

“Robert,” he replied curtly. “I haven’t been in the Guild since May, and I am Robert now.”

* * *

The cafe was a cozy, yet trendy, place. It was filled with people in suits. I felt out of place in the sweater and leggings I was wearing.

We sat at the bar and the server behind the counter came over to us. “Can I help you?”

“Want something to eat?” Robert asked me.

“Nah, I’m good,” I replied to both Robert and the server.

Robert ordered a salad and an organic smoothie from the server. When the server left, he turned to me. “So, how is everybody?”

I sensed that this was just Robert making small talk and he didn’t really care. “Everyone seems fine,” I replied. 

“So, you saw my journals.”

“Yeah, I talked to… R. He said-”

“She,” Robert corrected.

“She?”

“Yeah, it’s polite to use someone's correct pronouns.”

I looked at Robert with my mouth agape. “I… I didn’t know-”

“Didn’t know R was trans?”

“No. They didn’t tell me that.”

“She voluntarily gave me her body. She’s going to be Sydney permanently when she graduates. I thought - I thought that part would’ve been obvious, Daniel.”

I didn’t know what to say. Maybe I made a mistake coming here. I thought about R and Sydney. I never got the impression R was gung-ho about becoming Sydney permanently.  Or else there would be more rules for being in Sydney’s body. The way Robert was looking at me in disdain made me think he’s just being an ass. I decided that two can play. “D. I go by D.” I clenched my jaw.  I wasn’t going to be chased away before I got my answers.

He didn’t expect that response. Or maybe the resolve coming from my facial expression.

It was a stand-off to see who would back down.

Then he took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m sorry, D,” he apologized. “I’m being combative. I don’t know you, so I shouldn’t judge. I’m sorry I interrupted.”

I nodded. Maybe we’re on the same page now. “Again, I apologize for coming here as Sydney. I wasn’t thinking.”

He nodded. “So, you were saying something about R before I cut you off?”

“R said he felt a disassociation the longer he was away from his old body. Is that your typical trans experience?”

He chuckled. “Well your typical trans experience doesn’t involve trading bodies with your DnD friends. But yeah, It was eye-opening for me. When I was growing up as Sydney, I preferred girl’s sports, dresses, and playing with dolls. I lived up to the expectations society put on a young girl. But, I also had friends who were boys. Until puberty hit me. Boys stopped hanging out with me and started treating me differently because of-” he went to cup his toned pecs then instead nodded at my chest - his former chest. “Those. But even then, I thought that was just the part of a patriarchal society that treated women like sex objects. I continued to be a good girl all through my adolescence and into college. I was told to go to college to find a husband so I dressed for the male gaze.”

“Then you joined the Guild.”

“The Guild was originally a DnD club. It was the stone that changed everything. But yeah, we weren’t organized yet. But the first time I swapped into a guy it was like the weight of the universe was suddenly lifted. The way people looked at me, the way they treated me. I could dress how I wanted. I could learn what I wanted. I could have sex and not be shamed for it.”

“When did you figure out you were trans?”

He chuckled. “It took longer than it should have. I knew something was wrong the first time I swapped back into a woman’s body.  It was after a month of being one of the guys.” He paused to exhale. “I didn’t want to be there anymore. I was so uncomfortable. After the cooldown, I immediately wanted to swap to someone else. But I remained silent in my depression. I was in denial for that first year.  Every time I would swap into a woman, I felt like I wanted to get out quickly.  When I made those doodles you saw - I had finally come to terms with the truth.  I was a transgender man. I didn’t belong in a woman’s body. I then spent the next two years avoiding being a woman.” He tilted his head to the side and looked at me. “Why did you really come here?”

“I came because I haven’t been myself in a month - outside a brief reset. And I’m worried that I have no desire to go back.”

“OK. Do you think you’re trans, D?”

“No. Maybe? I saw your pain in that journal. I don’t want to dismiss the possibility. I’m just- I’m just worried. I’ve been Jasmine the longest. And I found myself identifying more with her than my old self.”

“Jasmine’s a very attractive woman. I bet being her makes you feel things you’ve never felt.”

“Exactly. I have more confidence. I have more self-esteem.”

“That's how I felt when I swapped into a guy.”

I nodded.

“But,” he emphasized, “Those feelings alone don’t make you trans. Only you can make that decision. Don’t let me or anyone else make that decision for you. Some of the guild members have said that being with other people helped them find who they really were. That whole ‘walk a mile in someone else’s shoes’ thing. It certainly helps everyone discover their sexuality.” He chuckled.

“I had sex with my original body,” I blurted out, instantly turning red with embarrassment.

Robert raised his eyebrow at me sharing something so intimate. “Oh? And how did that go?”

“That night it felt wonderful.” I shuddered remembering the climaxes. “But the next morning it just felt all wrong. Everyone else said it’s no different than masturbating. But I disagree. I had no connection to him. It felt like gay sex and I was sick to my stomach.”

“Hmm. What brought you to the Guild, D? Was it the sex?”

“The sex? No. I mean - yeah, that was part of it. I-I was a virgin. The sex was nice. It was the thrill of being someone else. I’m an introvert, and being someone else was fun. I was more confident.”

He chuckled. “Sounds like us in the beginning. A bunch of DnD virgins found this strange power. What started as role-play, missions, and character sheets turned into orgies.”

The Guild used to have orgies? “That's… crazy.”

“You said you’ve only been a Guild member for a month, there’s no rush to jump to conclusions.”

“But you said you were in denial for a year.”

“D, the fact that you came here and we’re having this conversation means you’re more mature and open to possibilities than I was. Maybe you’re trans. Maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re genderfluid. Maybe you're something else entirely. I’m assuming you’ve swapped into one of the guys already…”

“Yeah, I was both Antonio and Gabriel for a week each.”

He smiled. “I miss being those guys. How did it feel being them?”

“Different. I was overwhelmed by their lifestyles.”

“Did it feel suffocating? Crushing? Did you feel like you wanted to rip your skin off?”

“No. Not at all.”

“That’s what it felt like for me to be a girl again. Now granted, everyone feels dysphoria differently.”

“What do I do?” I asked. “When I joined, they asked me if I had dysphoria. I told them no.”

“Things change, D. One of the great things about the Guild is you learn so much about yourself. It’s funny. You learn more about yourself divorced from your own body than you do with it. You learn who you really are without having your physical presence define you. I’m kinda envious of you. You have more freedom than I had to explore who you are.”

I nodded as if I was in a class lecture.

“Here’s what they don’t tell you - or rather what they haven’t realized yet. They talk about the excitement of role-playing and being new people. What they haven’t realized yet is - they’re not role-playing. Not at all. For the first time in their lives, they’re actually being themselves.”

“So you don’t regret joining the Guild?”

“Not at all. I wouldn’t be the man I am today. It's just that, we butted heads a lot towards the end. Before R and I made that pact, I was annoyed at the choices they were making for Sydney. I could’ve added those to my rules, but I felt I shouldn’t have to. They knew I was a trans masc and yet there they were parading Sydney around in the pinkest, most feminine outfits possible.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” 

“I didn’t know what to wear today.”

He looked at me and we made eye contact. This was the first time he made eye contact with me. I saw his eyes take me in. I could see emotions behind those eyes. “I wasn’t talking about you per se. But, I like how casual you look. You’re wearing something I would’ve worn when I was Sydney. Actually, you look good.”

I blushed at the compliment even though all I’ve contributed to the Sydney-look is today’s clothes.

Since we were opening up to each other’s looks I decided to ask, “Were you always that ripped?”

He laughed. “No. Just ask R. Before I took over, Robert was a tall scrawny guy - much like Antonio. Working at a fitness center has its benefits.” He flexed his biceps and laughed.

“I see,” I said smiling. While I didn’t find Robert attractive, my life as Daniel told me what peak masculinity looked like - because I was never it.  But Robert - the former S, appeared to have achieved what he was looking for. He was happy and it made him attractive. “Do you miss your old life? Your family? Your friends?”

“A little bit. But that’s why I keep in touch with R. We traded lives. She contacts me occasionally to see about her old life.”

“I still can’t believe they didn’t tell me about you.”

“A few of them didn’t like that me and R permanently swapped. We were the first ones to make such an arrangement. It went against their core belief that the Guild is temporary, and you not only can, but it’s assuming you’ll return to your original body. Breaking that assumption scares them. And between me and you - I dont think we’ll be the last ones to permanently swap.”

My phone buzzed. It was a text message from Kaylee. My heart skipped a beat before reading it.

“Hi, Sydney, I was wondering if you were going to be at the coffee bar tomorrow?”

“Who’s that?” Robert asked, leaning forward to look at my phone.

“Oh, just a girl I met yesterday.”

He chuckled then had a smirk on his face. “Oh, to be in college again.”

“This is actually new for me. I was an introvert before the Guild.”

“Then have fun. I did. I just wish I left the Guild on better terms.”

“I can send my regards.”

He waved his hand. “Nah. That part of my life is over. Maybe tell R I’m doing fine. The family is fine. I’m going home for Thanksgiving.” 

The server brought Robert’s food out.

“D, are you sure you don’t want anything to eat? To drink?”

“No, I really should get back to school.”

“I don’t miss their food,” he chuckled. “Good luck, D. I hope you found what you were looking for.”

“I think I did,” I replied.

“Remember, don’t worry about whose body you’re in. Find yourself. Find what makes you happy.”