Chapter 29 - Kaylee Part 3

Reaching over, I woke up to find myself alone in an empty bed. A frown crept its way onto my face, as I had hoped to talk with K before starting the day.

I could hear the murmurs of conversation, and so I willed myself out from underneath the warm covers and mentally prepared myself for breakfast. 

Before heading to the kitchen, I made a stop in the bathroom. Sleep hadn't come easy after last night’s drama and my reflection showed it. A splash of cold water and a few brushstrokes through my hair did enough to make me not completely dread showing my face. Sadly, my hair was straight again. I should remember to curl my hair later, as I’d really liked that look on me. 

Mom had clearly already started the prep for dinner, as small bowls filled with spices and chopped vegetables were scattered about the countertops. K had warned me that Thanksgiving was more of a big lunch than a big dinner in this family, so I wasn't too surprised. 

Sydney and Alyssa were already at the breakfast table. Sydney was reading a book and Alyssa was busy playing on her phone.

Mom turned away from the stove and placed a plate of eggs in front of Sydney.

"Morning, honey. Did you sleep well?" Mom greeted me.

Pulling out a seat, I sat down next to Sydney "Eh, I've had better." I looked to Sydney who just closed her book and brought her eggs closer. "You were out like a light last night. I take it you slept well?"

Sydney nodded before swallowing her first bite of eggs. "Yup. Felt like I was sleeping in my own bed back home." She smirked at me, and I hope nobody noticed.

My mind drifted back to last night. I didn't want to perpetuate any perceived problems with Alyssa, so I turned to her. She was eating a piece of toast and a small bowl of oatmeal, and didn't look much better than what I had seen in the mirror moments earlier.

"And how did you fare last night, Aly? Good dreams, I hope?"

Alyssa looked up from her food with a bit of apprehension. "OK, I guess."

"Kaylee, aren't you going to eat something?" Mom asked, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Sure, I'll take some eggs as well. Thanks, Mom."

"Honey, I made eggs for Sydney because she is our guest. Why don't you use some of that independence you crave and make something for yourself?"

Ouch. The realization that I would have to navigate an unfamiliar kitchen to make something for myself then hit me. I noticed Owen was eating a bowl of some super-sugary cereal and took a gamble that there would be other cereals in the house.

"Sorry, you are right." I picked up the open cereal box next to Owen. "Mom, would I be in your way if I put this away and got myself some more grown-up cereal?"

"Not at all, sweetie,” Mom replied. “I think your cereal is still in the pantry from your last visit.”

After a quick glance, I spotted an open pantry next to the fridge. Closing up Owen's box, I returned it to the gap on the shelf and I selected a box for myself. I took an educated guess on where the bowls and spoons were and got lucky on my first try.

Returning to the table with my meager meal, I began to eat in relative silence with everyone else at the table. 

The silence was broken when Owen took his bowl to the sink.

"Owen, be a gentleman and wait for our guest to take a shower before you take yours," Mom instructed him.

"What? But I'm ready now," Owen whined.

"I'm sure Sydney would like some hot water," Alyssa teased with a hint of frustration and anger.

"Oh my God!” Owen complained. “I leave the two of you without hot water one time and you never let me forget it."

I decided to join in the teasing. "It's adorable that you think it was only one time." I giggled to sell it.

"Ugh! Fine! Whatever!" Owen stormed off. “Gotta save hot water for the girls!” he said from a different room. “What about me?”

Sydney called out in that sweet-as-honey voice, “Thank you, Owen,” and the commotion stopped. 

I rolled my eyes at the childish demonstration. As I did, my eyes met with Alyssa's. She was rolling her eyes as well. We both smiled and then broke out into laughter.

"I'm glad to see you both in a better mood,” Mom commented, “but please don't pick on your brother. It would be nice to have a civil Thanksgiving for once."

"Sorry Mom," Alyssa mumbled.

"We'll do our best," I said, and made a little salute.

Mom rolled her eyes and all four of us broke out into laughter.

* * *

After my shower, I decided I wanted to curl my hair again. I found a curling iron under the bathroom vanity and got to work repeating what I learned yesterday morning.

When I was done, I fluffed my bouncy hair. I loved it. It was so me.

I went downstairs to look for Sydney, and found her in the living room watching the Thanksgiving Day parade while frowning at her phone.

“Hey, so I got more messages from the Guild,” Sydney murmured to me.

“Oh?” I whispered back. “Nothing bad, right?”

“No. Good. Apparently, Jasmine’s mom had a change of heart.”

“No shit?” I said in surprise.

“Jasmine said she’s not perfect, but she’s trying and desperate not to lose her daughter.”

“Wow. I did not see that coming.” I remembered my brief interactions with Jasmine’s mom. On the surface she claimed to care about Jasmine and Willow, but her homophobia was ever present. I remembered when I offered to bring a girl home. Her heated anger was felt through the phone. In some ways Jasmine’s mom was similar to Jared - Dad. Their idea of success for their daughters was getting them married off to a guy.

Sensing what I was thinking about, Sydney cracked a smile and replied, “It gives me a little bit of hope for this family.”

I took a breath. If Jasmine’s mom can change, then Dad can change. “Wanna test the waters?”

"Do you think Dad would come around like that?"

"Well, first you'd have to come out to him." 

Sydney paused reflectively. "It's weird. I was really afraid of coming out to him, but now... now I feel like it’s a moment that has to happen in Kaylee's life. I feel... I dunno... disconnected from it? More an observer than a participant."

“Wow, you’ve only been Sydney for 24 hours and you’re already speedrunning the Guild experience.”

“I know, right?” she chuckled.

"But, it's more than that. I think I'm starting to understand the difference between Kaylee and K. It's kinda freeing, actually. Like I can finally let go of years of turmoil I had been bottling up.”

“It took me weeks to understand the difference between D and Daniel. So, when do you want me to do it?”

“Wait, you want to do this now? Here? At Thanksgiving?” Sydney’s shrinking body language gave away her opinion.

“No time like the present,” I said with a playful chuckle. 

“I-I dunno, D. I’m just afraid. Even though I’m the observer. I don’t want to watch anything bad happen to you.”

I nodded.

“I’ll think about it. Please don’t do anything without me, though.”

“I won’t. The Guild has rules. You obey the rules the body’s owner sets down. If you need to make major life decisions, you have to ask them first.”

“I’ll think about it,” she reiterated. “I want to. I’m just… afraid of the fallout.”

“What are you two conspiring about?” Alyssa teased as she walked by. “Fallout from what?”

“Oh,” I said, trying to cover up for our private conversation. “Um, Sydney is thinking about changing majors.”

“Wow,” Alyssa exclaimed. “Aren’t you close to graduation?”

“I am,” Sydney responded. “But there aren’t a lot of opportunities for music majors.

“Good luck then,” Alyssa encouraged. “I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.”

I looked at Sydney and tried to keep from giggling.

There was some rattling of plates coming from the kitchen.

Sydney turned. “Tiffany, do you need help?”

“I’d love some help with side dishes if you girls aren’t doing anything,” Mom replied.

“This channel isn’t even showing the parade anyway,” I lamented. Just anchors endlessly talking and an aerial view of the parade.

The three of us went into the kitchen where Mom gave us tasks to choose from. Sydney volunteered to do the stuffing, Alyssa volunteered to make the green bean casserole, and I was put in charge of the mac and cheese.

We all settled into a groove. There was laughter and giggling as we helped mom in the kitchen. In the moment, I had forgotten all of the family drama.

Mom hovered over Sydney and tasted some of the stuffing. “This is perfect, Sydney. Gosh, if I didn't know any better I'd swear you've made my stuffing before, but ask anyone in this family and they'll confirm that I keep all my recipes a close secret.”

Sydney blushed. “Just trying to follow your instructions. I'm glad I didn't ruin it. Is there anything else I can do?”

“Well, there isn't much left to do… maybe you'd like to start whipping the cream for the pie topping?”

“Wait,” Alyssa panicked. “I was hoping to make the whipped cream after this." 

“You still have plenty left to work on. Besides, it will be nice to not have you and your sister fight over the beaters for once.”

Alyssa opened her mouth but no words came out. She looked at me momentarily like she was blaming me for past beater fights, before giving up and returning to her casserole.

After another ten minutes, Sydney presented the mixing bowl of cream to Mom. “Are these peaks stiff enough?”

“It looks delicious,” Mom praised as she sampled a finger full of topping. “Put the bowl on the lower shelf of the fridge. Everything else is done,” she said, surveying the kitchen. “Could you give me your apron, so I can wash it?”

Sydney did as she was asked. 

I finished up the mac and cheese with one final stir of the crockpot.

Alyssa finished sprinkling the dried onions on the green bean casserole she’d been assembling and slid it into the oven.

Mom looked at the clock. “Wow, with all three of you helping I might actually have time to relax for a few minutes before the turkey needs to come out. You know what? I can finish up everything here. Why don't you girls go get cleaned up for dinner?”

Alyssa seemed happy to be free, but her expression was somewhat sour. She didn't waste any time excusing herself to her bedroom.

Sydney was close to cleaning up her workspace so I stayed in the kitchen a minute longer before making my retreat. 

Sydney handed me one of the beaters, full of whipped cream. She looked around to verify we were alone. “For my wonderful girlfriend.”

“Thank you, K.”

We smiled at each other and she skipped away.

I looked at the beater on my hand. It looked delicious, but I knew someone who wanted this more than me. I walked upstairs and found Alyssa in her room playing on her phone.

I handed her the beater. A metaphorical olive branch.

Her eyes opened wide at the tasty treat.

“Sorry about last night,” I said.

She took a few licks of the whipped cream. “I’m sorry I was a bitch.”

I smiled at her enjoyment and walked out of her room.

* * *

Everyone gathered around the dining room table and took our seats in the same places as last night. We all held hands as Dad offered a blessing on our Thanksgiving feast. 

“Bless us, oh Lord, and this wonderful food which we are about to receive. On this Thanksgiving, we give You thanks for all You've done and everything You’ve given us. Bless this loving family. Bless our new friend Sydney. Look over us. Maybe see that Kaylee finds her way home—”

“Dad,” I hissed.

“...in the name of Christ, our Heavenly Father. Amen.”

“Amen,” the rest of us repeated, but I was angry.

I wanted to say something, but I felt Sydney’s hand upon my own. I looked at her and huffed out of frustration.

“Thank you girls for helping with the feast today,” Mom said.

The three of us replied in unison, “You’re welcome.”

As Dad began to carve the turkey, Mom told us to start passing the side dishes we had prepared. I stared at the plate of jellied cranberry sauce in front of me. How it held the shape of the can even after being released, jiggling with every vibration of the table. I saw myself in that shape, trapped and unable to express my true self due to invisible pressure to fit into the mold of Kaylee everyone expects me to be. 

“Are you just gonna stare at the cranberries all day?” Alyssa suddenly chastised me. “Some of us would like a slice.”

My reverie broken, I picked up the dish and passed it on. I started filling my plate with other foods, but my appetite was fading. I looked at Sydney, who was staring at me with a quizzical expression on her face.

“You OK?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I lied.

Mom smiled and then turned her attention towards me and Sydney. “Did you girls have fun last night?”

I hoped that my smile didn’t appear too forced. “It was good to see everyone again, but we ended up leaving a bit early.”

“Oh? Were you feeling OK? Did the sushi not agree with you?”

I cringed at the reminder of my embarrassing moment.

“We were fine,” Sydney answered for me. “There just wasn’t an easy way to have a conversation there.”

Alyssa looked down at her plate to try to hide her look of guilt. Or was it annoyance?

Sydney continued, “But everyone I met was cool. And even if they weren’t, it was great to meet so many of Kaylee's friends.”

Mom smiled and replied, “And it's been our pleasure to meet one of Kaylee’s new friends. When Kaylee started living in that apartment all by herself we were worried that she might end up feeling alone.”

“I haven't become a hermit or recluse, Mom,” I pouted. “I’m a hostess in a restaurant. It’s literally in my job description to meet people. Besides, I could always reach out to Chrissy, Erin, Simone, or Alex. I don't live that far away, and my schedule is flexible enough that I can visit people easily.”

Mom had a thoughtful look on her face. “I don't remember an Alex. Was he friends with that one boy?”

Did she mean Nick? Thinking about that situation brought everything I've been trying to process to the forefront. I could see things taking a bad turn if I wasn't careful.

“No, mom. You remember my friend Lexie? Well, Lexie is going by Alex now and is using they-them pronouns. They told us last night.”

Dad huffed loudly. “I never did like her. Always dying her hair crazy colors and wearing garish makeup. It looked like she was applying for clown college. I’m glad she never influenced either of you to act so rebellious.”

Something in me snapped. “They,” I seethed.

“They who?” Dad asked innocently.

“I just told you that Alex is using they-them pronouns. Even if you don’t like our friends, that doesn't make it okay to misgender them.”

Dad rolled his eyes. “What's the problem? She’s not here. It's not like I am going to hurt her feelings.”

“They're not here! Going to hurt their feelings!” My voice was louder than it should have been. “It does matter.”

Dad was flustered and let out an exasperated sigh. “Okay. No more of that queer stuff at the table. I won't mention Lexie or Alex or whatever name she, I mean they, want to go by again. Can we just get back to eating?”

He was lucky he caught himself. I felt like I was ready to explode. I was no longer questioning if I was feeling these feelings as K or as me. This strong-willed resistance was all mine.

I looked at Sydney. She was frozen, staring at Dad. I could sense she was deep in thought.

“You don't want anything queer at the table?” Sydney asked, putting her fork down. “Then I should leave.”

Dad slowly turned his gaze towards Sydney. He was not used to having a guest question him. 

Everyone else was confused why Sydney would want to get up and leave.

“I’m a lesbian,” she growled, her chair screeching as she stood up.

The table went quiet as all eyes turned towards Sydney. Owen’s jaw dropped.

There was an awkward moment before Mom asked, “Do your parents know?”

“Not yet,” she replied. She looked back and forth between Mom and Dad. “Do you think I should tell them?”

“They’re your parents,” Mom said. “You should tell them everything.”

Dad was still flustered. He clearly wanted this conversation to end.

I looked at Alyssa, who was staring at me with a suspicious expression.

Sydney put her hand on my shoulder. I put my adjacent hand over it and squeezed it. “Do it,” she whispered.

I took a deep breath. “I should leave the table too.” I pushed my chair back and stood up.

“What the hell are you going on about?” Dad asked.

“I’m bi.” It felt like a heavy weight had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders. I slowly exhaled.

The table remained quiet. This time all eyes now turned towards me.

“What was that?” Dad asked as if he didn't hear me. But he heard.

“Bisexual,” I confirmed. “I’m bisexual. Sydney is my girlfriend.”

“You're not some queer girl. Sure, things didn't work out with boys during high school, but you'll find another guy—”

I cut him off before he could finish that thought. “I already found someone. She’s been here the whole time. Sydney isn’t just a friend; she's my girlfriend.”

Alyssa gasped. Owen leaned back, taking in all of the drama.

“I have had enough of this!” Dad was practically screaming. “No daughter of mine is going to ruin our family dinner with this nonsense!”

“The only one ruining anything is you!” Alyssa suddenly cried. “Kaylee just came out to us and your response is to yell at her? Accuse her of trying to sabotage a stupid holiday? Try to strong-arm her into conforming to your narrow-minded worldview?”

“Now hold on,” Mom said, trying to bring order to chaos, “Your father wasn't—”

"You're not helping anything by defending him or trying to excuse his terrible behavior. You enabling him has always done more harm than good." Alyssa scowled at Mom before she turned to me. “Kaylee, I love you. I will always love you. That is never going to change. I am so proud of you.”

I smiled. I wanted to tell her that I loved her too. I wanted to thank her for accepting me. I wanted to say so many things. But no words came out. Only tears.

Sydney got up from her seat too and gave me a hug.

Despite getting support from my sister and girlfriend, I felt like an emotional wreck. I’ve made a mess of Kaylee’s life and ruined Thanksgiving dinner. “I need to go lay down,” I announced. I didn’t really, but I just wanted to be anywhere but this dining room.

Sydney escorted me back to my room. I was too weak to protest.

I curled up on my bed. 

Sydney laid down next to me and wrapped her arm around me. “I’m so proud of you,” she whispered.

It wasn't long before sleep took me, but before it did we could both hear the fight lingering at the dinner table.

* * *

When I woke up, I found that Sydney had fallen asleep too. I decided that it wasn't going to do us any good staying in my room, so I prepared myself and opened my door.

I could hear the TV. The football game was still on, and I was sure that was where I would find Dad. My parent's bedroom door was closed. Mom was probably in there. I hope she wasn’t feeling too bad. I wondered if she did the dishes by herself. I was suddenly guilty that I left them all without helping clean up.

Maybe it was too early to test the waters with Dad, but if he was uncomfortable with me, that was his problem.

I walked into the living room and saw Dad in his recliner and Owen scrolling through his phone on the far end of the couch. Rather than sit next to Owen, I sat on the end of the couch nearest Dad. I still wanted to get to know my little brother better, but now didn’t feel like the right time.

Dad didn't acknowledge my presence. 

Playing on the TV was the game between the Bears and Lions. I was never much of a football fan, but I guess my time spent as Gabriel had given me a new appreciation for the sport. Like I did when I was actually playing, I started analyzing the plays and the strategies. “Oh, my God, third and short and they decide to pull a trick play!” I commented. 

Dad didn’t say anything.

“They lost so many yards now they’re out of field goal range. What a bonehead decision.” 

Now that got my dad’s attention.

Dad stared at me for a good ten seconds before speaking. “Since when did you take an interest in football?”

This was my chance to find some common ground. “Well, Sydney and her classmates play flag football after classes, and she invited me to join in,” I lied. “It’s supposed to be for fun, but the games can get pretty intense.” I noticed his hands fidget at my mention of Sydney.

“Kay, a fun game with your friends is nothing like a professional football game,” he scoffed.

“I know Dad,” I admitted. “But I’ve also been to a few of their college games. Sydney and I are also friends with one of the running backs. And he likes to talk football with us.”

The game was back on, and we both turned to watch. 

“OK, I know it’s another third and short situation,” I said, describing the play. “But this time the Bears only have single coverage on number 14. Betcha the QB goes deep to him.”

“I doubt it, Kay,” Dad disagreed. “The backs are lined up to just punch it through for the first down.”

“If I was the running back, I’d want that too, but they’re keying on him. They expect a rushing play.”

“You mean to tell me that after playing flag football with friends you can read a defense?”

Just then the play began. The quarterback stepped back and faked a handoff to the running back. He immediately took up a blocking position to protect the quarterback. Meanwhile, the wide receiver took off downfield. He started to go to the outside, forcing his lone defender to commit. He suddenly shifted his path to the center of the field and turned to haul in the football and resumed running. He was headed for the end zone, but a diving tackle from the Bears’ safety stopped him at the two-yard line.

Dad turned to me dumbfounded. “How’d you- You were right. I’ll be damned,” he quietly said to me. “And I… was wrong,” he finally admitted, though I wasn’t entirely sure he was talking about the play call. 

We didn’t say anything during the commercial break. He looked lost in thought. Before the game came back on he looked at me and confessed, “Maybe I was wrong about other things too.”

I searched his face. His eyes showed sadness and guilt. I remained quiet.

“I’m sorry about earlier, Kay. I regret much of what I said. I was out of line. I should have supported you.”

“Thank you,” I choked, tears sliding down my cheeks. “Does this mean you approve of me and Sydney?”

“Yes, I do,” he said with sincerity. ”Sydney seems like a nice young woman, and if she makes you happy, that’s all that matters.” 

Just then the Lions scored and the crowd erupted in cheers. They might as well have been cheering for me. I had broken through Dad’s defenses and won him over. 

“You know, Owen, I think the Lions could go all the way this year,” Dad said, getting back into his comfort zone.

“Yeah, sure Dad, whatever,” was Owen’s reply as he continued to play games on his phone.

Dad turned back to me. “It wasn't because of me, was it?” he asked meekly.

In the brief time I’ve known him, I had never heard this tone from him. He has been so confident in himself, even when he shouldn't. But that confidence was missing. But I honestly didn't know what he was asking.

“What do you mean?”

“The reason you left. It wasn’t because you needed to get away from me, I hope.”

“I didn't need to get away from you. I needed to find myself. My whole life I never really knew who I was. Now I feel like I am finally starting to understand who I am as well as who I want to be.”

It dawned on me that I spoke those words from the heart. The line between D and Kaylee was blurring.

There was another moment of silence between us.

“You know I'm proud of you, right? I hope I haven't failed you that much…” his voice didn't rise at the end like a question, but it was clear that he was searching for an answer. 

"You don't always make it easy. But I know that, in your own way, you only want what is best for us."

“You’re so much more independent than your sister,” he said. “I forget that sometimes. You don’t need your mother and I anymore. And that makes us feel… useless.”

“I need you. I need Mom too. But I also need to be independent.” I thought of something and smirked. “If you want to feel useful, why don’t you come over to my apartment and fix the heater.”

“It isn’t working?”

“It's awful, Dad. It’s loud and barely works. And winter will be here before you know it.” 

“I can come over next week and fix it.”

“I’d like that,” I smiled.

I didn't know which one of us smiled first, but we both did. I was happy to have successfully built a new bridge to connect to my father. If I had to guess, I would have guessed that he was happy to not have lost his daughter.

He looked up and over my shoulder. “Sydney, I didn’t see you standing there.”

I turned to see Sydney behind me with tears in her eyes.

“Sydney, I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier,” Dad said. “Like I was telling your… girlfriend—”

She wasted no time running over and giving him a hug. “Thank you,” she whispered.

Dad awkwardly put his arms around this girl he thought was a stranger.

He snuffed his nose softly. "Say, while these silly commercials play out, why don't you girls and I go raid the leftovers and make some turkey sandwiches? You can tell me all about this football friend of yours while we do."

He got up from his recliner. I wiped a tear from my eye and followed him.

“Have you watched any of my university’s games?” Sydney asked.

“I’m not really into college ball,” Dad replied.

“So, Sydney’s university has a star player that everyone calls ‘Turbo’...” I started to tell the story of Gabriel. Maybe I’d thrown in some of my own highlights.