Chapter 5

And it did. The next two weeks went by in a blur of confined boredom. 

Sophia lived with us during that time. The Kincades weren’t too happy that I invited her to stay with us for the rest of the summer, but it was almost over, so they forced themselves to smile and be hospitable to my PAA roommate.

We spent most of the time lounging around the pool or sitting in my room reading. Summer break was supposed to be my break from rooming with Sophia, but, to her credit, she was well behaved and didn’t push.

Despite being grounded, I was finally able to convince the Kincades to let Alyssa visit.  I turned up my teen angst and repeatedly hounded them with, “But I won’t be able to see my best friend again until Christmas!” They eventually caved in and so Alyssa came over most days too. She and Sophia seemed to develop a quick friendship. Maybe it was because I was so standoffish? Either way, Alyssa wanted to hear stories of PAA, and Sophia was only too happy to oblige.

As for me, I counted down the days until I went back to PAA. It's not that I expected things to get better at school. My body is not coming back to life, and being forced to sit in classes teaching me about TGs and womanhood — a reminder of my status as a Displaced without a body — certainly won’t help. It’s just that I needed something to look forward to… anything.

At least at PAA, I could just fade into the background and hide. I didn’t have that luxury here at the Kincades’ house.

As I was packing my bags, I was wondering where Sophia had wandered off to. I searched the house and found her helping Mrs. Kincade pick out summer outfits.

“What is this?” I asked.

Sophia quickly slipped out of the room, an embarrassed look on her face.

“For our trip,” Mrs. Kincade said, sounding annoyed at being caught.

“Our trip?” I asked. “What trip?”

“Your father and I are going to Cabo for two weeks.”

“Two weeks? When?”

“After we drop you off,” she replied curtly, stuffing a sundress into a suitcase.

“You waited until I’m back at school to go on vacation?” I shouted.

“Don’t get upset, honey.”

Why would I be upset? Maybe Emma would be upset. But these aren’t my real parents. So who cares if the Kincades ship their only daughter off to boarding school, and then decide to go on vacation?  Still, since I imagined the real Emma would be upset, I rolled my eyes and stomped out of her room in a huff.

“Don’t you give me that attitude, young lady!” she scolded, following me out into the hallway.

I have this whole teen girl act down. I sighed. “Whatever. It’s fine, Mom. Have fun in Cabo. Maybe next time, you’ll invite me.” Actually, don’t. Just send me to Cabo alone. That would be nice.

“You’re in school.” 

“I’m well aware,” I fumed. “Just like you’re well aware that I wasn’t in school the last two months.”

I faux stormed off, effectively ending that conversation.

Yeah, so that was what those two weeks were like.

Thankfully, it was the day I’d been counting down to: leaving this little circle of Hell and returning to my own personal purgatory at PAA. Alyssa came over to see us off.

She began by handing me a small gift bag she pulled out of her purse. It held a framed picture of her, Sophia, and me that Carmen had taken of us posing in front of the pool. The photo showed three teenage girls with big smiles on their faces. The fact that I was one of the smiling girls was not lost on me — it must’ve been after lunch. That Alyssa considers me at least a suitable stand-in for Emma made my heart just a little warm.  I might even miss her a bit.  But I gotta get out of here.

“I wanted you to have something to remember this summer,” she said. “It certainly has been interesting.”

I looked at Sophia and then at Alyssa. “I…,” I didn’t know how to respond. I still felt like an imposter, and here was visual evidence to remind me. “Thank you,” I managed to say while tearing up. Stupid hormones.

“I know you’re not Emma, but I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you, and consider you a friend too.  Both of you.”

I smiled. I wasn’t good at this type of stuff.

“And I want to come visit you," she added, giving both Sophia and me a hug.

I glanced at my roommate. I wasn’t entirely sure if a Normie would be welcome on campus. “Uh, sure,” I replied in a noncommittal tone.

“We’d love that!” Sophia added. “It’ll be a weekend sleepover!” OK, I guess that’s that. If my roommate was OK with it, I suppose I should be too.

Sophia and I loaded our own bags into the Kincade-mobile and we were off.

The drive from East Coast suburbia to the rural nothingness of Appalachia was a descent into isolation. Trees. Mountains. Fields of nothing.

I put my ear buds in and listened to some ‘90s alternative music I downloaded onto my phone. Music by bands that I had posters of in my bedroom from the first time I was a teen. 

Finally, the town of Weatherford loomed like a specter. Was the trip quicker this time or did Mr. Kincade just drive faster?

We pulled through the campus gate. Puellae Aurora Academy. My home for the better part of eleven months. The boarding school that takes high school kids who’ve had their gender forcibly changed by supernatural forces and attempts to mitigate their trauma and reintegrate them back into the Normie world.

At least that’s what it says on the brochure. But what they don’t tell you is that this school is run by a secretive underground organization called the Order of the Dawn, the gatekeepers around those supernatural forces.  They hold a pretty tight reign on its usage and the knowledge of its existence—even if someone wants to change back.

I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what lurked on this campus. The creepy gothic architecture certainly portended evil forces hiding in the shadows. Every gargoyle on the top of these buildings seemed to be watching me.  Or maybe peering into my hollowed-out soul.

Meanwhile, in the backseat next to me, Sophia was vibrating with pure unadulterated joy.  “Oh my God, Cate — we’re here!” She rolled her window down and started waving at people she  knew. “Hi!” “OMG, that’s so cute!” “I’m so excited for the new school year!”

I slunk down in my seat. Can I throw her out of the car?

* * *

The Kincades wasted no time in leaving. If it was allowed, I’m sure Mr. Kincade would’ve pushed us out of the moving vehicle. Though, I wouldn’t have minded if he threw Sophia out - the earlier the better.

Sophia and I unloaded our suitcases in front of Cooper Hall, our dorm. Following a very brief goodbye and a warning to stay out of trouble — lest they have to cut their vacation short —  Emma’s parents sped off and we were left to haul our suitcases up three flights of stairs to the fourth floor. I let Sophia take the lead because she was jubilantly bouncing on each step, greeting every person she saw. 

Since this building was built in the 13th century — yeah, don’t ask, I have no idea how that’s possible either — the air conditioning was an afterthought and there was definitely none in this stairwell. Despite being in great shape, I could still feel sweat beading up on my forehead.

Sophia reached our room, the number 403 mounted in a tarnished brass placard beside the door, and unlocked and pushed it open. As the door creaked in protest, sunshine poured out of the room and into the hall. Yup. That’s our room alright.

“Home sweet home!” Sophia sang as she danced into the room.

I followed behind her, and it was obvious from the humid, stagnant air in the room that the AC had been off since Sophia left to come see me over three weeks ago.

While Sophia was dancing around and emptying her suitcase, I made a trip to the thermostat. I switched it on, and I heard the ancient air conditioner groan to life.

“Oh, thanks, Cate!” my roommate gushed. “I was just too excited. The RA made me turn it off before I left.”

My side of the room was just as I left it back in June. Since we were already enrolled for another year, we didn’t have to move out, which was nice. Sophia’s side of the room had tons of girly decorations. Unicorns, rainbows, pictures of her friends. A picture of me.

My side was mostly bare. Sensible linens. My police scanner. A few notebooks I left behind.

I closed the door to the hallway, left my suitcase in the middle of our room, and crashed on my bed. Dust from the comforter launched up and caught the sunlight like glitter.

“Listen, I’m just going to sleep,” I said. “Wake me up in September or something. Maybe close the blinds.”

“Caaate,” Sophia whined, “everyone wants to see you.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about the funeral.”

“This isn’t about the funeral, Cate. It’s about you losing a part of you. Because they’re your friends. They’re concerned.”

“Can’t I just relax? It’s been a very long three weeks. I don’t have the energy to entertain.”

She looked at me sympathetically, and shut the blinds.

That allowed me to close my eyes.

Not a minute later there was a knock on the door.

“Come in!” Sophia yelled.

I groaned as I pulled the pillow over my head.

“Sam!” Sophia cried out as if it had been three years instead of three months.

I gripped the pillow harder, trying to muffle out Sophia and Sam talking. When their conversation came to an end, I felt the weight shift on my bed as someone sat next to me. I felt a hand on my shoulder. 

“Cate?” Sam whispered while shaking me gently.

I extracted my head from beneath the pillow and looked up at my shapeshifter friend with the never-fading neon pink hair and orange eyes. “Hey, Sam. I was just taking a nap.”

“Sorry,” she apologized. “Soph said to come in. How are you doing?”

“Oh, I’m fine. Same as you,” I lied.

“Yeah, I don’t believe that for a second.”

“I just want to be left alone.”

“I get that,” she said. “But I’m here to remind you that you don’t have to be.”

“Sophia reminded me every day over the past three weeks.”

Sam got up, took my hint, and looked at Sophia. “Do you guys want to do dinner later?”

“Absolutely,” Sophia replied.

Sam turned her attention to me. “Cate?”

“Did they change the menu, or is it still Mystery Meat?” I asked.

“It’s Tuesday night, so it’s Mystery Taco Tuesday,” Sam smiled. “If you can identify the meat, you win.”

“What do you win?”

“Another mystery taco.”

“We’ll see if I wake up in time,” I replied. “Carmen packed me a container for dinner.”

“OK,” Sam replied. “Get some rest.”

Then there was another knock on the door.

“I’m not home,” I grumbled, wishing that was true.

That didn’t stop the visitor. “Hey, girls! I’m your new RA, Bethany. Welcome back. I have some flyers. Dorm rules for you to review, and some Welcome back on-campus events.”

“Hi, Bethany!” Sophia squealed, taking the paper from her.

“Hey- um, Cate, I have a message for you,” Bethany announced.

“For me?” I asked, slowly sitting up. “I just got here.”

“It’s the Headmistress. She wanted to see you the moment you got here.”

Hathaway? “She wants to see me?” Well, there goes my nap.

* * *

The Administration Building is one of four buildings surrounding the quad. The other three being dorms - mine being one of them. Headmistress Judy Hathaway had an office with a large balcony that overlooked the quad. 

I haven’t been invited to her office since October of last year — when I solved her missing person’s case, and realized her role in it wasn’t quite as innocent as she’d had me believe. I accused her and the Order of the Dawn of being hypocrites. She didn’t appreciate that and we left our mutual distrust of each other left us in a stalemate.

The door was open so I knocked on the door frame.

She was sitting there at her desk, talking with a girl who was seated in front of her. The headmistress was nothing but business, her graying brown hair kept short, and always dressed in a navy-blue women’s business suit matching the school colors. She looked up at me and smiled. “Miss Fox, please come in.”

“You wanted to see me?” I stood at attention with my arms behind my back. Not as a sign of respect, but as a way to hide my lack of enthusiasm for being here.

“Yes,” she replied, then gestured at the seated girl. ”This is Miss Hyers.”

I turned to the girl. “Hi, I’m Cate.”

The girl looked at me with a lingering intense stare. There was something about the way her eyes were drilling into mine. What’s her deal? Or is it just me?

She finally looked away and back towards Hathaway and replied “I’m L- Lana.”

OK. Another freaked-out TG with a chip on her shoulder the size of a mountain. I'm sure I was just as charming when I first arrived at this school. She's probably just projecting her identity crisis onto the first person she sees. 

“Miss Hyers is a new student this year,” Hathaway stated. “I would like you to show her around the campus.”

“Me?” I asked, my face twisting in confusion. “I’m not really the best person—”

“We typically have sophomores give tours. You are a sophomore now, Miss Fox.”

“But given my history—”

“Your history has shown me that you care for the students at this school as much as I. Miss Hyers is a newcomer who needs all of the help we can provide. Plus, she will be living in your dormitory. Please show her to her room and make sure she knows where to get her uniform.”

I bit my tongue. I didn’t want to fight this battle. Not right now. “OK.”

Hathaway turned to Lana. “Miss Hyers, I do hope your stay at Puella Aurora is helpful. Please let me know if you need anything.”

“Yeah,” she replied. A girl of few words, just like me. She stood up and we both walked towards the door.

As I reached the door, Ms. Hathway summoned me again. “Miss Fox?”

I turned to meet her gaze. My body tensed, expecting some sort of judgement or dressing down.

She said in a soft, hushed tone. “I heard about your original body. I am truly sorry for your loss.”

How’d she know? The body was found hours from here. But knowing the Order, they had spies everywhere. I bet she wanted to tell me, “I told you so,” too. After all, it was she who told me I would never find my body again. “Thank you.” I nodded, then followed Lana out of the office.

“So what brings you to PAA?” I asked as we walked through the hall.

“I was turned into a girl,” she said, flatly.

“No shit!” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “Me too!” I paused. Maybe I shouldn’t be so crass. “I mean, what did you in?”

“A virus.”

“A virus? Well the CDC isn’t what it used to be,” I chuckled. 

Nothing but a cold stare.

“I, on the other hand, was forcibly swapped into this body.”

Lana didn't respond to that or any attempt at levity. She just gave me a look that suggested she'd like to see me swept into a woodchipper. I glanced at her. She was clearly a girl, but aside from her clothes, a few androgynous features told me she wasn’t quite done cooking. Her hostility was exhausting, even for me.

“Is your virus over?”

“Are you asking if I am contagious?”

I sighed. I wish Sophia was around. I’m not good at this. “No, I’m just not good at small talk.”

“I'm not contagious.”

“That’s a shame,” I responded. “I know a few people who’d love to catch a TG virus.”

“GB only affects boys.”

“Noted.”

We reached the exit and walked outside to the quad. “So here we have the quad. Four buildings. Three dorms. One administration building. The dorms are Cooper, Colby and Thompson. Named after some ancient authors or something. I don’t know. We live in Cooper, which is that one to the right.” I pointed at the ancient-looking structure.

Lana took in the view. The quad was still full of students and parents moving in.  She shifted uncomfortably and looked at me with an intense glare. “Is… is this a girls only school?”

“No.” I replied.

“Where are the boys?”

“Oh, they’re around.  They’re mostly weres and body swappers, but they are a severe minority.”

Lana cursed under her breath and started mumbling to herself.

“Do you want me to continue?”

She stopped mumbling and looked at me in disdain. “Yes, let’s just get this over with.”

We continued walking until I stopped at a new marble pedestal. I put my hand on it.

“I suppose this is where I give the spiel that was given to me last year. But I’m not good at that self-congratulatory rah-rah stuff. Everyone is here because this is a safe place to get acclimated to their new life.”

“I don’t need the spiel.”

Cold. Direct to the point. Someone just like me.

“Good, so I’ll cut to the chase. The uniform shop is back in the Administration Building. Pro tip. You don’t have to wear a skirt if you don’t want to. The lady working there is nice, but likes to gossip.”

“What’s that?” Lana asked me, looking at the pedestal I was leaning on.

“This,” I said looking down at the words. I had them memorized. After all, I led the effort to fundraise and purchase this memorial. I recited the words anyway. “In memoriam. Jackie Sanders.” 

“Who’s that?”

“A friend — who died last year.”

Lana nodded. “I had a friend once. Then I had to come here.”

I nodded. We made eye contact again. Wow, is her gaze intense! As much fun as this was, I was ready to return to my room and eager to attempt that nap. “Well, then. Hopefully you’ll make some new ones here. Do you need anything else from me?”

“Cate!” Sophia shouted from behind me.

I turned to find Sophia and Sam leaving Cooper Hall.

“Who’s your new friend?” Sophia asked.

“This is Lana,” I replied.

“Hey,” Lana said.

“Oh, Lana, you’re going to love it here! Hey, did Cate invite you to dinner? That’s where we’re headed.”

“No,” Lana replied, looking at me for an explanation I had no intention of giving.

“Well, let’s go!” Sophia said, not even entertaining the idea that Lana would refuse.

I guess I’m not getting that nap. “Well, at least we can show you where the dining hall is.”

* * *

Sam was right — it was Mystery Taco Tuesday. The meat was unidentifiable as having ever been meat, and the shells were stale.

I saw, and absently listened, as Sam and Sophia made small talk with Lana. Lana continued her mode of single word answers. She clearly didn’t want to be here and I couldn’t blame her. She also kept shooting me weird looks.  As if I ran over her cat — or that only friend she had.

I was pushing the taco meat around my plate when Brett sat down right beside me. Brett — the werewoman who’s my girlfriend during full moons. I hadn’t seen or spoken to her since I left for the summer.  

“See Lana, here’s a boy.” I said.  “Brett, this is Lana, she’s new here. Lana, this is Brett.”

For once, Lana wasn’t staring daggers at me.  She was gazing at Brett.  Geez, I guess her virus made her boy crazy or something.

“Hey Cate,” Brett said to me, ignoring my introductions. “I heard about what happened.”

I looked at him and nodded. “Yeah, it sucked.”

“I wish I could’ve been there for you. I wish you would’ve told me.”

“It’s fine,” I said. “I didn’t really want company anyway.”

“Not even me?” he asked, his tone quickly losing its initial cheerfulness.

I’m sure my face showed my annoyance. 

“You didn’t even call,” his voice lowered to a whisper.

I ignored the hurt look on his face. “Sorry, I guess I was distracted. By lacrosse.  And my funeral.”

“Well, do you want to hang out later?”

“Brett, it’s not the full moon.”

“But that was a week ago,” he whined, getting agitated. “You had all summer. I thought you were going to come visit.”

“I don’t want to have this conversation right now.”

“Why? Because I’m not Brittany?”

“Brett,” I pleaded. “I just can’t right now.”

“Can’t right now, or can’t ever?” 

I pinched the bridge of my nose and shook my head. I had words in my head, but unfortunately, my filter was off-line. “The needy girlfriend is very unbecoming of you.” Whoops. I didn’t mean to say that.

“Needy girlfriend?” he echoed in disdain. “Is that how you see me?”

“Right now — yeah.” Whoops. I was supposed to diffuse the situation. Maybe I’m rusty in conflict management.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that,” he said, standing up. “That you’re just too emotionally distraught to have a civil conversation.”

Brett stormed away from our table.

“Whatever,” I muttered under my breath.

I looked at Sophia, Sam, and Lana who were staring at the scene that just unfolded. “Girlfriends, am I right?

“Cate—” Sam began.

“Look, I just want to be left alone!” I interrupted. Then I shot up, grabbed my tray, and stomped off.

* * *

What part of ‘I want to be left alone’ did they not understand?

After dumping my tray and food in the trash — which will most likely be recycled and reused for the next mystery meat special — I walked outside in the direction of my dorm.

Sure, maybe I should’ve reached out to my monthly girlfriend. But I didn’t think we were that serious. It was just fun to pass the time. After all, she’s a dude most of the month. Besides, there are times it feels awkward to date while in this body. Almost like it's disrespectful to Emma. Plus there’s the creep factor, which everyone else tries to downplay as part of this stupid assimilation here. Brett and Brittany are fifteen — even if Brittany looks older. Everyone keeps insisting I’m fifteen too!

I’m not Emma. I’m not fifteen. 

I’m Jack. I’m forty-three. 

Before I reached my dorm, I found myself in the quad again. By now the sun had set and the quad was illuminated by various floodlights mounted on the four buildings. I stopped at Jackie’s memorial again. Under her name was etched “2001–2023.” I traced my fingers over her smooth surface.

Jackie was like me. A Displaced. Except she got the shit-end of the stick. Whereas I was swapped with a teen girl, she was swapped with a 78-year-old man. I met her when she was going stealth as Mr. Sanders, my freshman science teacher. She concealed her TG status and hid away the dysphoria and dysmorphia of having lost both her gender and her youth. It drove her mad to have lost sixty years of her life in a blink of an eye. Meanwhile, I was given back twenty-plus years back that I didn’t want, nor asked for.

She wanted me to join her in enacting revenge on the Body Hoppers who did this to me and her, and the people who refused to fix her.

I didn’t approve of her methods — especially the parts where she would transition people against their will or without their consent.  Her life was ended by a bullet from the former sheriff of Weatherford. 

I thought back to that fateful evening and something she said to me at the time: “You don’t know what it’s like to stand over your dead body and know you can never go back.”

A chill ran through my body. I exhaled and dropped to my knees and whispered. “Now I know, Jackie. Now I know.”