Chapter 5 - Depression

FRIDAY

I woke up in my own bed this morning.  Alone.

I sat up in bed and just stared off into space.  I no longer feel like myself.  After watching my manhood disappear last night, I’m still in a state of shock, I’m finding it hard to get out of bed.

That was until I had to pee.  Sometimes nature gives you the necessary motivation to get out of bed.  I slowly walked to the bathroom.  I pulled down my panties and pulled out my dick.. it was the size of my pinky finger now.  I stood there and aimed for the toilet.

I didn’t hear anything.  I then felt a warm trickle traveling down my leg.

I looked down and saw myself standing in a puddle of pee.

And it was still coming.  I was still peeing. I couldn’t stop. I put my hand under my tiny dick and felt an opening just below it.  I still couldn’t stop the trickle. I didn’t know what muscles to use to stop it. I turned around and quickly sat down just in time for it to stop on its own when my bladder was finally empty.

I was in a state of shock.  I wasn’t fully awake when I came into the bathroom, but I was certainly awake now.  I inspected my new opening.  Sure enough.. It looked like a mini vagina.  there was no longer an opening on the tip of my penis.

I grabbed a wad of toilet paper, wiped my new vagina and my leg.  I discarded the wet panties from my ankles.  I got up to get some paper towels to clean up the mess I just made.

When I was done cleaning up my mess, I sat down on the cold bathroom floor and cried.

* * *

It took everything in my power to pull myself off that floor and pick out my clothes for today.  I opened Kathy’s underwear drawer. I was going to wear yesterday's outfit with new panties and socks.

I’m going to need more clothes.  The thought of going shopping for womens clothes made me more depressed.  I don’t have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe.  At least I’ll get another $1000 from the clinic later today.

I looked in the mirror. My hair grew more overnight.  It now came down past my shoulders again.  At least it was still layered and a consistent color.

I managed to take a shower.  I used Kathy’s shampoo and wash again.  I liked the smell.  It reminded me of Kathy.

I inspected myself again.  My thighs are bigger. I think my ass has gotten bigger as well.  If I wasn’t so sad, I might’ve actually thought it looked cute.

I got out of the shower and saw Speckles sitting on the bed watching me.  Wagging her tail.  I knelt down to pet her and she licked my face.  I don’t know why, but it was comforting for someone to be there for me.  Even though that someone was a dog.

I got dressed and walked out to the kitchen.  I went to grab a coffee mug from a cabinet when I realized I was struggling to stretch to get it.

I wonder how tall I am now - or rather how short.  I opened our junk drawer and pulled out a pencil and a measuring tape.  I walked over to the door jamb and put my back against it. I made a mark at the top of my head. I stretched the tape measure from the floor to my mark. 5'7". I shrunk again.   Kathy’s 5’7”.

I grabbed a hair tie and tried to put my hair up.  After struggling for a minute, I pulled a YouTube video up on my phone on how to tie hair ties.  Three minutes later I got it by myself.  Small accomplishments.

I ate breakfast, fed and let out Speckles, made lunch and walked out the door.

* * *

I saw Ben when I arrived at work.  He smiled.

“Aaron you look so good.” he said.

“I dunno, Ben.”  I replied.  “I’m in a funk.  This whole thing has really taken a toll on me.”  Arg.  This was the first time I’ve spoken all morning.  My new voice just doesn’t sound right in my head.

“Listen, If you need someone to talk to.  You can talk to me.”

I cleared my throat and tried to lower the timbre of my voice.  “Thanks Ben.” Lowering my voice sounded nothing like my old voice.  I forced a smile behind my mask.   “I just need to get through this day so I can go home and cry.”

Ben moved closer and brought his voice down to a whisper.  “You don’t have to change your voice around me.  Tonight.  Just us girls.  We can cheer each other up.”

“We’ll see.”  I said letting my voice return to its feminine octave.  “Depends on how I feel.”

We both got back to work.  When I was stocking fruit, the assistant manager, an older woman who I only briefly met, came up to me.  “Erin, we need some help with bagging.”

“Sure.” I said, joining her in walking to the checkout lanes.  I decided to not even worry about everyone calling me Erin.  I look like an Erin.  Speaking of… She led me over to checkout and had me bag groceries for Darcy’s lane.  

“Hi Erin!” she said.

“Hi Darcy.” I replied.

A few minutes of bagging groceries went by.  When a customer was busy loading stuff onto the belt Darcy turned to me.  “How’s Ben doing?”

“Ben?” I asked.  “He’s great.  He’s one of the nicest people I’ve met here.”

I could tell she was smiling behind her mask.  It also looked like she was blushing.

“I’ve been trying to get him to open up.  He seems to keep to himself.”

“Are you - interested in him?”

“Kinda.  He’s really cute.  We went to the same high school and graduated together.  But we’ve never really crossed paths until here at work.”

I don’t know enough about Ben to know whether he’d be attracted to Darcy or not.  Or a bigger problem.  What would Darcy say if she knew Ben was trans.  Well, I figured I'd roll with it and see if they both could figure that out.  “I could- um- put in a good word for you- or at least drop some hints”

She blushed again.  “Thanks.”

When the lines at the checkout aisles died down, the assistant manager had me go back to stocking.

When I saw Ben again I said.  “Ben, what do you think of Darcy?”

“She’s too young for you.”  He said, decisively.

Whoa.  That sounded kinda defensive.  But that was a good sign, I suppose.

I laughed.  “Not for me.  For you.”

“Oh.” he turned red.  “I like her.  But I can’t.”

“I see.  I saw her looking at you yesterday at lunch time.  I think she digs you.”

He was silent for a few minutes, but spoke up.  “I want to.  But I’m afraid of what she'd say if she knew the truth.”

“If she knew you were trans?”  I whispered.

“Yeah. What if she’s only interested in me as Ben?”

I didn’t say anything.  I understood completely.  I was having the same problem.  Was Kathy only interested in me as Aaron?  For a moment, getting in the middle of this matchmaking session was taking my mind off my depression.  But this reminded me of it.  And it hurt again.  

An hour later I was on my way to pick up another cart of produce when I ran into Darcy.

“Hey Erin, did you talk to Ben?”

“Oh hey Darcy. I um..”  How do I ask this?  “You wouldn’t happen to be into women would you?”

The question took her by surprise.  She chuckled.  “Sorry Erin, you’re kinda old for me.”

I chuckled.  These two are meant for each other.   “Not me!”  I regained my composure.  “Let's say If I had a friend - your age - and... she…  was interested in you.”

She looked at me for a second.  I could tell the gears in her head were moving.  Then she smiled. Her eyes got wide.   “I knew it!”

“Shh.” I tried to lower her voice.  Oh shit.  I gave away too much.  Ben is going to kill me for outing him.

“That’s perfect then.” she said.

Perfect?  “Um - how so?” 

She lowered her voice and got closer.  “I’m omni”

Om what?  I’m confused.  Was that English?   “What’s omni?”

“Omnisexual.” she whispered  “I’m attracted to all genders, male, female, trans, non-binary.  If we’re talking about the same person... I kinda sensed that… she... might not be cis.”

Holy Shit.  What are the odds?  “How’d you know?”

“Some days- she experiments with her work uniform… just like you’ve been doing, Erin.  Women's pants here, women's cut shirts there.  Sometimes she wears her ponytail a little higher than a guy would do.  It’s really cute...  She’s really cute.”

I couldn’t help but smile at hearing Darcy talk about Ben like that. Reminded me when I first met Kathy.  So, now to arrange something.  “So. Um.  My friend he- she is really timid.  It might take some time to arrange a meeting.”

“Ok.  Let’s all take our time then.  I really want to meet this friend of yours.  Why don’t we exchange numbers?  When your friend is ready, we’ll meet.” 

“Sounds good.”  We exchanged numbers into our phones.  Now I need to find a way to get Ben to agree to a date.  Maybe I can bring it up when we hang out later today.  Hmm.  Am I actually considering having this “girls night out” that he suggested?

This whole back and forth with Ben and Darcy actually warmed my heart.  It made me hopeful.  Maybe there’s still hope for me and Kathy if I don’t change back.  But as far as I know, Kathy is straight.  She’s never hinted to me that she could be anything else though.  

* * *

I walked by the assistant manager on my way back to produce.  “Erin, my shift is over now, but  a glass bottle of milk shattered on aisle 15, can you clean that up?  The mop is in the back.”

“Sure thing”  I told her.

“Have a good afternoon” she said walking away.

I went to the back, found the mop and bucket and wheeled it to aisle 15.  I put out the “Caution wet floor” sign.

A female customer came by and apologized to me. “I’m sorry.  It was my fault.  I’m such a clutz.” 

“It’s OK,”  I said to her.  “Accidents happen.”

She walked away from me further down the aisle.  I looked down at the puddle of milk dotted with large shards of glass.

I bent over, picked up a large shard of glass and threw it into the trash.  I picked up another when I felt a hand caress my ass.  I became instantly aware of how thin of material leggings actually were. My eyes went wide as I stood up to face the person groping me.  

It was Mike.  

“What do you think you’re doing?”  I said, angrily.

His jaw dropped when he recognized me.  “Aa.. Aaron” he said.  

“Did you really just grope my ass?”  I said angrily.

“It was a mistake.  I thought you were…”

“Even if I was… that gives you no right.”

“I saw it!”  The customer from earlier said.  “That’s sexual harassment.”

“No no.” Mike said.  “That’s not what happened.  I was helping him.”

“Bullshit.”  I said.  “I’ve seen the way you’ve been ogling the female employees here.”

“Well, who are you going to tell?” he said.  “I’m the manager here.”

“You know what?” I said pulling off the apron I was wearing.  I threw it at him.  “It’s not worth it.  I quit.”

I stormed down the aisle to where I clock out.  I clocked out and  I threw down all of my store Identification.  Ben saw me.

“Aaron. What happened?”

“That piece of shit actually groped me.  I quit.”

Ben looked shocked.  “But-”

“I’m sorry Ben.  This place isn’t right.  You should really start looking elsewhere too.  I wouldn’t work for that creep.”

I kept walking without letting Ben get any more words in.  I stormed out of the store and to my car.

I sat in the car and cried. 

A few texts came through on my phone.  

Darcy said.  “OMG.  Erin, I heard what happened.  If you want to talk about it, let me know!”

Ben said. “Aaron, A few of us are bringing up Mike’s harassment of you to his boss.  We’ll let you know how that goes.”

I texted both of them back to thank them for their concern.

* * *

When I was a little more clear headed, I decided I needed to talk to Dr. Fry again.  To see if he’s developed the reverse drug yet  Or to see if he’s made progress. Or at least collect the other half of my money.

I called the number.  I got the same disconnected message.  What gives?

I then drove there.  I was due to pick up the remainder of my money today anyway.

Upon driving up to the clinic, I saw a fire truck parked in the parking lot,  Then I glanced over and noticed the building was... gone.  

GONE.  In its place was a smoldering wreckage surrounded by caution tape.

My jaw dropped.  I got out of the car and a fireman stopped me.  “Miss, can I help you?”

“What happened?”  I asked.  Not believing my eyes.

“This building caught on fire yesterday morning.”

“Yesterday morning?”

I fell to my knees just looking at the smoldering wreckage.  Nothing was left.  

“Was anyone in there?”  I asked.

“I’m sorry ma’am.  I don’t know all of the information.  I’m just here to keep out trespassers and make sure the fire stays out.”

It’s all gone.  Any chance I had at changing back.  The remaining $1000 they owe me too!

All of it was too much.  Kathy leaving me.  Changing genders. Mike groping me. Quitting my only job. Now this.  I cried right there in the parking lot with a confused fireman watching me asking me if I needed any help.