Chapter 35

I made a quick stop at my apartment before going to work. K told me what to wear: black leggings, a plain black button-down blouse, and black sneakers. I touched up my hair and makeup, then found my name tag that read “Ciao, mi chiamo Kaylee.” I affixed it to my blouse, grabbed my coat and purse, and headed to the kitchenette. 

I needed a quick dinner, so I opened the fridge and found it nearly empty. If I didn’t have to work I would’ve gone shopping for K. There was leftover Thai food in a plastic container from before we left for the weekend. I did, however, manage to find a box of protein bars in the cabinet. I grabbed one, threw it into my purse, and then went to my car.

I had a secret. One I didn’t tell K, or else she wouldn’t have let me do this: this was my first job.

I never had a part-time job in high school. I didn’t have a job now in college as Daniel, and no other Guild members had jobs. I couldn’t deny that I was nervous.

I walked through the front door of Luigi’s Ristorante. The restaurant itself was warm and dimly lit. The air smelled of garlic and tomato sauce. The restaurant was empty aside from the clamoring of pots and pans, and the murmuring of the cooks. An older man was setting up chairs in the dining section. 

He looked over at me with a welcoming smile. “Ciao, bella.”

“Hi,” I said, wishing I had a cheat sheet of Italian greetings, along with the names of my colleagues. I imagined this might be the restaurant's owner, Luigi. K described him as a friendly old man and an even more generous boss.

K had told me the first thing to do when I got to the restaurant was to turn on the tablet at the hostess station, which I did. Afterwards, she suggested that I assist anyone that needed help with setup. I suppose that included Luigi. I decided to help him with the chairs. “Let me help with that,” I offered, gesturing at the seats still upside-down on the tabletops.

“Oh, grazie,” he said. “I’m not as young as I used to be.” He then wandered off to the back to do something else.

When I was done with the chairs, I returned to the hostess station just in time to catch another woman entering the restaurant. She was in her late twenties, and dressed in the same attire as I was.

“Hi Kaylee,” she said. “How was your Thanksgiving?”

I discreetly glanced down at her name tag. Megan. “Hi, Megan,” I replied. “It was good. Always nice to see family. I hope I didn’t miss much.”

“We were slammed on Wednesday and Friday, although it was a ghost town on Thursday.”

“Who comes to an Italian restaurant on Thanksgiving?” I mused aloud.

“Someone who burned the turkey, I guess? It’s alright. Luigi fed us all. His turkey parm was sooo good! Much better than my mom’s dry turkey.”

Between Megan’s description of turkey parmesan, and the persistent aroma of the restaurant, my stomach was growling. I should’ve eaten more than the protein bar.

I checked the hostess station and scanned the tablet. We were booked all evening with reservations.

Slowly, more and more staff walked in, each giving me a warm greeting as they passed.

One waitress came back to the hostess stand. Penny. She was tying her apron. “Heya, girlie-pop! So! How’d it go?”

“How’d what go?” I asked, confused.

“Thanksgiving, duh!” she said, giving my shoulder an affectionate slap. “Introducing your girlfriend to your conservative parents?”

K told her about me? “I, uh, came out to them.”

“What!” she squealed, jumping up and down excitedly, and pulling me into a fierce hug. “You did? Congratulations!” Stepping back with a look of concern, she asked, “How’d they take it?”

“Not well at first. But after a long talk, they became more supportive.”

“That’s awesome! I’m so happy for you!” she beamed, making a series of excited claps with the tips of her fingers. She put her hands on her hips and cocked a knee forward. “So! Does this mean you two are going steady now?”

“Umm. I think so.”

She arched her brows skeptically, her eyes scanning up and down my body. “You ‘think’ so? C’mon, a hot hottie like yourself? Of course you are!” She glanced over at the clock. “Oh shit, are you free for brunch tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I know this place that makes excellent mimosas.”

“But… I’m not twenty-one?”

She waved her hand dismissively. “Eh, that won’t be a problem. So! Is it a date?”

“Umm… OK?”

“Great!” Penny said, giving me a wink and a twirl as she walked away. “I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Next up was a staff meeting. Megan, who was apparently tonight’s manager, gathered us around and went over the night’s specials. Thankfully I didn’t have to memorize them.

The first customers of the evening were a middle-aged couple.

I smiled at that. “Hi, welcome to Luigi’s. Do you have a reservation?”

“Yes, Laughlin, reservation for two,” the man replied.

OK. I can do this. Simple right? I scanned the tablet and confirmed their reservation. Then I looked at the laminated map of tables. Drew a checkmark on a two-seater in Tracy’s section, then grabbed the dinner menus and wine list. I looked up at the couple with a nervous smile. “Right this way, please.”

I escorted them to the table and placed the menus down like I’ve seen done hundreds of times in the past. “Tracy will be your server tonight, and will be right with you.”

The couple sat down and I returned to the hostess stand.

Shortly after, another group. And another. I was starting to get a hang of this, buoyed by seeing smiles on people’s faces as they walked in.

Eventually the restaurant was full and there was a wait. Luigi came by to those who were waiting with a tray of antipasto, apologizing for the wait.

In the next group, I recognized a familiar face. Natalie, the blue-haired barista from the Coffee Exchange. She was flanked by two older people and a younger teenager. Her family?

“Hi,” she smiled in recognition, her eyes full of mischief as she slid up to the hostess stand. “Could I get a matcha latte with cream please?”

“Right,” I giggled. “Natalie. Hi. Welcome to Luigi’s. How was your Thanksgiving?”

“Thank you,” she replied. “Actually, this is my Thanksgiving.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I was working five days straight. So my parents wanted to spend time with me before the weekend was over.” She smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “So umm… Natalie party of four, I guess.”

“Got it,” I said, scanning the reservations. Reservation for Natalie. She had requested Penny as a server. “Here you are.”

As I was grabbing the menus, Luigi came by and greeted Natalie. “Ciao, bella! How do you know Kaylee?”

“Oh, um,” Natalie turned red. She looked at me and smirked. “We go way back.”

“Ah, fantastico! You are friends then!” Luigi gleefully explained, clasping his hands together. “At Luigi’s, we treat friends like family.” He started writing something on a piece of paper then turned to me. “Which table?”

“I was going to put them at table thirty-two.”

“Ah yes, excellent table. Penny is a good server. Very enthusiastic girl,” he added dryly. He kept writing, then handed me the paper. “Take this to the kitchen. Tell Marco to send out a Caprese appetizer for table thirty-two, on the house.”

“Wow, you don’t have to do that,” Natalie protested.

Luigi winked and walked away so nobody could question his generous gesture.

"Thank you, Luigi!" I called out to him. I shrugged and smiled at Natalie and her family. “Follow me, then.”

I escorted them to their table and laid out the menus. “As Luigi said, Penny will be your server tonight. And I’ll get that appetizer sent out right away. Enjoy!”

“Thank you, Kayleeeee!” Natalie sang.

“Thank you,” the rest of her family echoed.

As I walked to the kitchen, I could feel my feet, ankles and calves hurting. I wanted to sit down, but there were still a few hours left in my shift. I dropped the hand-written note off to Marco, then returned to the hostess station just in time for a waiter, Steve, to walk by. 

“Kaylee, table sixteen needs more silverware.”

“I’m on it,” I replied.

I looked back towards Natalie’s table and saw her standing up giving Penny a hug. I wondered how they knew each other.

* * *

When my shift was over, it was already 11 PM. I was so busy, I never really had a chance to sit, think, or be nervous. That didn’t stop my feet from aching, of course. I helped the staff put the chairs back up and clean up several service stations.

Luigi wished us all good night, and I walked to my car and plopped myself into the driver's seat, letting out a small moan of relief to not be standing. 

I had never worked so hard in my life. Despite feeling like I could barely move, I swelled with accomplishment. And the wait staff shared their tips with me! I know people complain about customer service jobs, but I honestly wouldn’t mind going to work as Kaylee again.

On my drive home, I felt like I was on a high like no other. This weekend wasn’t an aberration. I felt very much at home in my body and life as Kaylee. Even doing something as tedious as her job. I wanted more. 

I arrived at my apartment. Aside from a quick pitstop this afternoon, it was the first time I’ve been here without K. It was cold and dark. 

Fumbling around, I found the light switch on the wall, flicked it on, and then walked over to the thermostat. It read 61 degrees. Brr. I adjusted it up to 70.

As before, a loud groan filled the apartment as the heating system kicked on. I should call Dad to remind him about it.

I stripped off my work clothes. They smelled like the restaurant. Which normally would be a pleasant smell, but after spending my entire evening there, I was ready to stop smelling like garlic.

K typically changed into a cami and shorts. I found where she kept them, put them on and crawled into bed with my phone.

Waiting for me was a message from K. “How was it?” 

“It was wonderful. We were swamped but I had so much fun!”

“I’m so glad. Now I feel guilty.”

“Why? How was your evening? Did that party happen?”

“Apparently James was busy. The party was postponed for another day when everyone could make it. Meanwhile, all I did was…nothing. Jasmine got delivery and we watched TV.”

“Did you finish your homework?”

“LOL. You sound like my mom. Yes, I did. I had to get Jasmine to help me, though.”

“Oh - what time did you want to swap back? I agreed to have brunch with Penny.”

“Oh, nice! She’s a fun friend to hang out with. After you get back then.”

“Works for me. I should let you get to sleep, since you have an early class.”

“Sweet dreams, Kaylee,” she replied.

I plugged my phone into the charger on the nightstand, rolled over, closed my eyes, and fell into a deep, exhausted sleep.

* * *

Around ten in the morning, I arrived at the restaurant Penny had told me about. It was a small cafe in a strip mall.

Walking through the door, the hostess asked me if I was here by myself or if I was waiting for someone else.

“I’m here with a friend,” I said, nodding my head towards Penny, who was already sitting at the bar and frantically waving me over.

I started walking towards her, and her excited waving turned into equally excited patting of the barstool next to her.

“Good morning, girlie-pop!” she chirped at me, taking a sip of what I was pretty sure was not her first cup of coffee. “Did you sleep well? I hope you remember what you like, because girl I am starving.”

We both ordered the brunch special and sure enough, they turned a blind eye when Penny ordered a pair of mimosas and slid one over my way.

When the server left I decided to ask, “So, how do you know Natalie?”

“Oh, I’ve been going to Coffee Exchange forever,” she replied.

I cocked my head in confusion for a moment. Then it clicked. I remembered K telling me that she was at Coffee Exchange that afternoon we met because a coworker recommended it. I bet Penny was that coworker. “That’s right - you recommended it to me.”

“I was kind of hoping you’d meet a cute girl there,” she smirked, her eyes twinkling with mischief as she took a sip of her mimosa. “Which I guess you did. So! Tell me more about this sexy lesbian gal pal you picked up there.”

I giggled. “Well… Sydney and I have been dating for over two weeks now.”

“I knew it!” she exclaimed, giving my shoulder a playful shove. “Two Sundays ago when you came to work. You were glowing! You totally got laid, didn’t you?”

Heat rose up my body, my face turning a bright red as my mind flashed back to Kaylee’s lessons.

“You did! Good girl! And then you took her home to your parents house and came out of the closet to them.” She took another slow, dramatic sip of her mimosa as she gave me an appraising look. “You move fast, girlie. Oh em gee - you’re gonna be one of those U-haul lesbians, aren’t you?”

“A what?” I asked, trying to catch back up to the conversation.

“Nevermind,” she snickered. “So! I can’t wait to hear about your parents’ reaction on Thanksgiving. Did they totally freak out when they learned their baby girl was dating some hot babe?”

“Well, during a tense discussion about my high school friend - who recently came out as non-binary—”

Penny covered her face with her hands, spreading her fingers so her eyes peeked through. “Oh no! What did they have to say about that?

“Sydney got angry at my dad for being homophobic, then stood up and announced to the whole table that she was a lesbian.”

“At the dinner table? Seems like you found yourself a winner! Your girl fucking rules! What did you do?”

“What else could I do? They would have figured it out anyways, so I told them that I’m bi and Sydney was my girlfriend.”

“Wow,” she said, taking a bite of her eggs. “Wow. Your parents must’ve shit their pants.”

I nodded. “My dad nearly did. He told me that I wasn’t some ‘queer girl,’ and that I simply hadn’t found the right guy yet. And then he told me I was ruining Thanksgiving dinner.”

“Ruining it how? By barfing rainbows all over the turkey?” she asked, making an exaggerated barfing face as if to demonstrate. “So! Did he ever come around? Or is he still pissed off that daddy’s little girl is into girls too?”

“After he calmed down, we had a talk and he apologized for his behavior. I think he just wanted to know I was OK. That I’m a capable adult. That I don’t need a guy to protect or provide for me.”

Penny leaned over and pulled me into an excited hug. “That’s fantastic, So! When is she moving in?”

“What? Oh, I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? Girl, you came out of the closet for her! Surely she is overcome by such a romantic gesture?” she asked, giving me what could only be described as lovey-dovey puppy-dog eyes.

“Yeah, but…”

“But what? What’s wrong, girlie? It sounded like you had an awesome weekend?”

“We did. It’s just that… I have a bad feeling. As if this weekend changed us.”

“Oh, no. I’ve been there. Sometimes when a relationship gets real… it gets really real. Have you talked to her about it?”

“Not yet. I’m going to see her this afternoon. I feel like there’s this unspoken thing looming over us. And I’m afraid to point it out.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I’m afraid she’s going to not like me,” I croaked, my voice cracking as tears threatened to overtake me. “And then she’ll break up with me.”

Penny reached over and laid her hand on top of mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Aww hon, I’m sorry. Listen. You’re an awesome girl, Kaylee. You’re sweet and kind and funny and smart and,” she said, booping my nose, “you’re sexy as all hell. If this girl doesn’t see that, then she’s not worth your time.”

“I know, I just… I don’t want to lose her though.”

“I get that. The hardest part of any relationship is saying those uncomfortable truths to each other. But—” She noticed the tears welling in my eyes. “Oh hey, I’m sorry, Kaylee girl, I didn’t mean for the girly brunch to get so depressing. Let’s take a little break from girlfriend troubles.”

“O- OK.”

Penny leaned in, wiggling her eyebrows conspiratorially. “So! I think Marco’s seeing the new bartender…” 

And just like that, the conversation shifted, a much-needed reprieve from the heavy thoughts weighing on my mind. The problem was that I knew it was only temporary.

* * *

I paced my small apartment and nervously looked at each book title on the shelf. Some I’ve read. Some I haven’t. Of course, I wasn’t in the headspace to start a new book. K was on her way, and I knew we had to talk. I just wasn’t looking forward to revealing my truths and what that meant for both of us. 

Finally there was a knock at the door. “Come in,” I said nervously.

The door opened and I turned to my guest.

I was surprised that Sydney was standing there, grinning goofily at me.

“Oh. Sydney, hi,” I said. “I was expecting Morgan.”

“It’s me, K, silly,” Sydney replied.

“I kinda figured from the huge grin on your face. What happened to going to class as Morgan?” I asked.

“I did,” she said, then giggled. “When I got home, I ran into Sydney and she thought I was you and offered to swap back. So I swapped back then went to Sydney’s class.”

I chuckled. “Two classes in one day. Wow, you’re well on your way to earning credits for this semester.”

“God, I wish. Hey - so the craziest thing happened after I was done with Sydney’s class.”

“What?”

“A boy came up to me at the Music building. He was nervous and told me he heard some rumors about me?”

“Rumors? What is this, high school?”

“Not those kinds of rumors. You know… rumors about… our thing.”

“What?” I looked at her in disbelief. “How is that possible?”

“Well. Apparently my name - Sydney’s - came up on a random QuikChat group as someone who detransitioned inexplicably. I guess when S left, nobody in the Guild bothered to keep Sydney as a trans man?"

“Yeah, that’s true. Sydney was trans before S and R perma-swapped, but since then everyone has treated her as a blank cis girl canvas.”

“Apparently some people took notice.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Lots of crazy speculation about what happened to Sydney. Underground forced detransition. Lobotomies. And… body swapping.”

“Body swapping?” I echoed. “C’mon, everyone knows that’s not a real thing,” I giggled.

“Right. So this ‘boy’ comes up to me and says all of that. Won’t stop talking about body swapping. Then he waxes poetic about how such a thing could help people. You know, if it was real.”

“Is this boy trans?”

“I… think so? Said he was ‘asking for a friend,’ but he didn’t come off as overly masculine.”

“What did you tell h— them?”

“I denied it, of course. But this might be something the Guild should look at. I mean. After S and J and G. And…”

“Me,” I sighed.

“Yeah.” She took a seat next to me on the bed and looked at me, waiting for me to say something.

“Oh, look at me. What kind of host am I being? Can I get you anything?”

“I’m fine, thank you,” she said in a melancholy tone. “Unless you went grocery shopping. I’m pretty sure that fridge is empty.”

“No, I didn’t have time. Sorry.” I sat down next to her. 

Neither of us said anything, as worry started to eat away at me. Clearly both of us were lost in thought, as those unsaid things filled the air between us.

I was afraid to start talking, an uneasy fear growing inside me that this was going to be one of those conversations that wouldn’t end well. Was it better to avoid it or to just dive in and rip the bandage off? I instead decided to ask the stupidest question in the world: “Is everything OK?”

She hesitated, the silence stretching out for what seemed like an eternity. “No,” she finally whispered.

My lip quivered at her admission. “What’s going on?” I asked softly. “You know you can talk to me.”

“I’m afraid you’re going to be mad,” she whispered back.

“You know I can’t be mad at you.” I took a deep breath, my anxiety building.

After another few moments of silence, K reached out and held my hands. “I want to join the Guild.”

“I know you do. We went over this.”

“Let me finish,” K said and looked into my eyes. As if she was peering into my soul. 

I felt vulnerable, as if my truth was written plain for her to see. 

“I want to join the Guild,” she reiterated. “And you want to be me.”

I closed my eyes. She knows. I opened them, looked at her, and nodded in admission. “Yeah. I do.”

“What if we made today… a longer-term thing?”

“Like not switching back until tonight? Tomorrow?”

“Longer.”

The idea of being Kaylee long-term flooded me with a rush of emotions. I was eager. I wanted it. But I felt guilty for wanting it, and I was concerned about her. “You mean you continue pretending to be me?”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.”

“I have. But how would that work? I’m Kaylee and you’re… D?”

“Yeah, I mean how is that different from what the Guild normally does? Instead of role-playing the body I’m in, I’m role-playing D. We both get what we want. I can be part of the Guild and you can be Kaylee longer.”

“They’ll eventually find out. Are we talking about a permanent swap? Like Jasmine and Gabriel?”

“I dunno. What do you want?”

“I…,” I started but paused. I wanted to say, “I don’t know what I want,” but that would be a lie and I knew she would see through it. “Do you really want to perma-swap with me? Are you OK with leaving your life behind? You have a loving family.”

“Yes and no. I will miss my family, even if we’re not super close. But the opportunity is too great to pass up. Maybe I can be Kaylee again occasionally? But don’t make this about only me. You’re avoiding talking about what you want. What about you? Are you OK with this?”

“My family? I feel like I’ve already accepted walking away from Daniel’s family.” I thought of my parents. The people you’re meant to run to for your life’s high and lows. But my mind kept going to Kaylee’s parents. I’d rather run to them with my problems and to them to celebrate the good times. “I feel like I’m already part of yours.”

Kaylee took my admission in silence. “Your family aside, are you OK with being Kaylee long-term? Handling my family’s flaws? My life? My job? I don’t even go to college.”

I wiped my eyes. When did they start tearing? “Yeah,” I choked out. “I've never been so content as I am being you. But what about you? Your writing?”

“Honestly? I wasn’t even good at it. I didn’t have enough real-world experience to pull from. That day I met you… I was contemplating giving up. Returning home and telling my dad that he was right. Maybe… this is the opportunity I’ve waited for. You can try writing.”

“Me? I don’t know anything about writing.”

“You read all the time! And you have plenty of real-world experience to pull from.”

“I don’t know if I’d count the last two months as real-world experience.”

She frowned, then quickly forced a smile through her worried demeanor.

If this conversation was only about us staying swapped, we’d both be happy. But I knew where she was going with this.

I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes, envisioning a world where I’m Kaylee, K is in the Guild, and we’re still dating. What would that look like? I never finished that trial where I could date as D regardless of body. Without that, I would essentially be James. Dating six versions of Sydney. But I didn’t want that. I wanted to date K. But what if K was Antonio or Daniel? I wasn’t bi. Finally, I asked the question we both knew was coming. “If I’m Kaylee, where does that leave us?”

“That’s… why you’re going to be mad at me.”

I felt like all of the air was getting sucked out of my apartment. “What are you saying?” I asked, already knowing the answer. But I didn’t want to believe it. This is exactly where I feared this conversation would go. It was where it had to go.

She turned away from me. 

I reached out and gently grabbed her wrist. “K. Please.”

She turned back towards me with watery eyes. “We have to break up,” she choked through her words.

“No, we don’t,” I blurted out in denial.

“I can’t date you when you’re Kaylee. You know that. I can’t be intimate with my sister.”

“I understand, but I’m not Alyssa. I’m not your sister.”

“But you are my sister. The moment you became Kaylee. You became my sister.”

“Then I won’t be Kaylee. We won’t do this. I’m OK being Sydney.”

“No. Stop. Don’t do that. We both know you’re happy being Kaylee. We both know that you make a better me than I ever was.”

“That’s not true.”

“Don’t lie to yourself, D.” She stared into my eyes. “Or to me. I remember what you told me about your conversation with Ella. About watching someone be a better Daniel. I’m having that same experience right now.”

“But… I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t. I’ll still be here. I’ll still be your friend. But I will not let you give up your happiness for me,” she insisted.

“B-but… I love you.”

“I know.” she whimpered. “Me too. I wanted to tell you so many times over the weekend. I love you, D. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“Then don’t. Don’t do this.”

“If you love something, you set them free.”

“That’s just a cliché.”

“Cliché or not, if you stop being me, you’ll be denying an important part of yourself. You’d regret it, and it would eat away at you. And us.”

I sat there in silence, tears streaming down my face. 

I wanted to say something. 

Anything.

Anything to stop this from happening. 

I could deny being trans. 

I could deny wanting to be Kaylee.

I could promise I’d be happy living as Sydney.

But none of that would be true. And all of it would deny K something she desires. The freedom that the Guild provides.

No solution was coming to my mind. And no matter how much heartbreak and hurt I was currently feeling, it was betrayed by the guilty glimmer of excitement that simmered underneath.

She reached out and touched my cheek and caressed it, as if she was saying goodbye to this face. Her face. My face.

I cupped her hand and we made eye contact. She looked so fragile.

“I hope you’ll forgive me one day,” she murmured.